Who said chat up lines are dead? Our Tab Reporter gave a few old favourites a try. Find out how he fared.

The chat-up line seems to be all but disappearing. Gone are those halcyon days when a memorised witticism drunkenly garbled could see you doing the mattress mambo as fast as you could say “Grab your coat”.

Did you fall from heaven?” See what I did there? I implied you look like an angel. A sexy angel. Can we fuck now?

Most girls, I’m fairly sure, are pretty glad to see the back of this phenomenon. But consider the alternative: the accepted way to pull in a nightclub now is to dance in a circle with your mates, before moving closer and closer to your desired target…you’re pretty close now, you ‘accidentally’ knock into her, she looks at you – smiles nervously…this is the cue you’ve been waiting for. You begin to ‘grind’ with her. Does she want this? Probably not. All she did was smile and now she’s got a drunk lad from John’s mashing his semi-erect cock into her lower back. If I was a girl I’d take a poorly-constructed, sexually-suggestive metaphor any day. And if I could re-arrange the alphabet, I’m sure U and I would agree on that.

So. In order to save chat-up lines from going the same way as “Wasssssuuuuppp” and adding “NOT!” to the end of every sentence, The Tab sent a group of intrepid explorers into The Place on a Sunday night armed only with their favourite cheesy quips. Will any of our explorers discover Cambridge’s finest mountainous regions or spend the night fighting their way through a damp jungle? Or will they just end up pitching a tent on the dance floor? Let’s find out.

The classic: “Can I buy a drink?”
Response: Worked reasonably well if you define reasonably well as not being slapped. Has the disadvantage that you actually have to buy the drink. Interest noticeably declined once the drink was in the girl’s hand.
Rating: 9/10 – the original and the best. Gets the girl drunk, shows you’re not skint and means she has an obligation to talk to you. Result.

Twist on a classic: “I have amnesia. Do I come here often?”
Response: Bemusement, pity, or both. Chat-up lines, like jokes, don’t work very well if you have to explain them. Advice: if you want to take home a girl off her tits from a night on the VK and 80s music, keep it simple. (Note: The Tab does not endorse taking home drunk girls. Or listening to 80s music)
Rating: 1/10 – The world is not yet ready.

The self-deprecator: “Do you want to come back to my room so I can disappoint you?”
Response: Worked surprisingly well and even started one conversation. This unusual result is probably the result of the unusual sluttiness of the girls in Life.
Rating: 7/10 – Slight chance of a trip to the gash point. Has the added bonus of being able to say “I told you so!” if things don’t go quite to plan.

The unusual compliment:Are you wearing space pants? ‘Cos your arse is out of this world?”
Response: Unknown, girl was French.
Rating: 1/10 – May be more effective if used on English-speaking girl. Probably not though.

The treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen: “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put you and S.T.I together.”
Response: None of my research team could pluck up the courage to actually use this one. Advice: don’t use it if you value your life; just tell your mates that it works.
Rating: 0/10 – Guaranteed to spend the night wincing over your injuries and crying to Taylor Swift songs.

The bragger: “Did you know that they call me the tripod?”
Response: Initial interest, which rapidly faded on being asked to prove it.
Rating: 5/10 – if you can back it up.

The utter cringe: “Is your Daddy a thief? ‘Cos he stole the stars and put them in your eyes.”
Response: “That is truly awful. Truly…wow. OK, I’m gonna go now”
Rating: 3/10 – even if you’re Brad Pitt or Robert Pattinson or that good-looking bloke from One Tree Hill, this just isn’t gonna work.

The mathmo: “Do you want to see the exponential growth of my natural log?”
Response: ARU girl: “Is that, like, some kind of maths thing?”
                    Cambridge girl: “If you do the natural log of E1 doesn’t that just equal 1?”
Rating: 0/10 – Stupid girls will think you’re a nerd; mathmo girls are, you know, mathmo girls.

The economist:I’ve got the supply, have you got the demand?”
Response: No.
Rating: 2/10 – unless your target is into her Adam Smith, her interest rates will remain low, sex will be at a premium, you’ll have no access to her assets and you’ll end up having to control your own inflation. Stimulus package also sounds rude. Enjoy.

So with fails all round for the research team we wandered home alone, lamenting our night of rejection. Perhaps there’s a reason for the death of the chat up line: it just doesn’t work. Shame.

  • Ivor Biggun

    Nice.

  • Ruby Drew

    I love this article! its so funny, made me laugh out loud! I think I like the tripod one best!

  • Dr Mambo

    yes yes ali nice article! Pretty much could of been written by an actuall journalist. I envy how smart you are, your like the bouncing brains from futurearma :P x

  • James

    Fucking Funny. More of this.

  • Nila

    wow, this is really good, well done ali! I normally feel obliged to talk to a guy if he buys me a drink too…

  • Tim

    is your dad an anaesthetist? cos baby, I don't want you to be conscious. works like a charm.

    • ali

      im sure beej

  • James

    If I flip a coin, what's the chance i'll get head tonight? X

  • Viki

    Haha this is so true ! Love it =]

  • Lethario

    get your coat, I've got a knife

    or

    If you were a new burger at McDonalds you'd be McGorgeous

    normally work for me, although it could just be the devilishly good looks. LOL.

    • Greg Noakes

      I love the second one. There's no way someone would take it seriously, so it could definitely work. Which is pretty much the problem with this article. I thought it was pretty funny, but the truth is chat-up lines do work with a bit of irony.

  • jack

    this is brilliant

  • jonny jonny

    i cant believe you left out "That dress looks terrible, you should take it off"
    it's a classic.

  • Nila

    I think just a standard "you look really nice" with a smile works too…

  • Steve

    "Get your gown, you've pulled."

  • Matt

    I know Jedi mind tricks. Go home with me tonight you will.