PHOEBE LUCKHURST: ‘For such a miniscule budget, Homerton delivered if not a great event, a really fun event.’

If Homerton June Event scheduled itself on the Monday – Wednesday circuit of balls and events, Logistics would have been entertaining a few choice lunatics, maybe that guy wearing a curtain, the Laser Quest men or that girl who was so drunk she spent five minutes asking me if I was ‘Laura’. No. I’m not. 

So it’s not May Week’s most in-demand event. But from £50-£55 a ticket, Homerton June Event did enough to keep me entertained all night, which was saying something given that I was utterly exhausted. I danced right until they cleared us out at 2.30am, and unlike a ball, there was no annoying survivor’s photo, no standing wondering whether you look quite as vile as the person next to you while a decrepit skeleton who hasn’t mastered his SLR directs you with the forcefulness of a mute Sergeant Major. Forty minutes later, there’s a shot you won’t buy and you go home.

The highlight of Homerton was the ents; actually, as it passed midnight, there wasn’t much else on, but the sets were definitely fantastic. Logistics drew in a huge crowd, and if the rather ubiquitous fancy dress made you feel a bit like you were at a bop, at least it was a bloody good one. No noise restrictions at Homerton: the windows rattled as the bass thumped out of the sound system and I woke up this morning wondering if I’d have tinnitus forever. And Emma Roberts, who played the last set was brilliant, song after song of great remixes.

It was ‘Carnival’-themed, but the decorations were a little lacklustre. There were some tin-foil stars (nativity play) and some bunting. Oh and there were some great fairy lights in the dance room. I think Homerton’s problem – as well, paradoxically – as its saving grace was its position at the end of May Week: it is very difficult to see it in any way other than comparatively. Ultimately, the decorations had nothing on a May Ball. That’s unfair: it’s cheap, cheerful and not trying to be a ball, but if they’d made a bit more effort with decorations it would have been more atmospheric.

Food and drink was plentiful on arrival, but by midnight they’d run out of spirits which was a little disappointing. I sampled the pizza – so much better than the insulting sliver at Jesus - and the falafel, which, as a friend pointed out, could have done with a huge dollop of cucumber sauce. I tried two – in the interests of fairness – one had an impressive sauce to falafel ratio, but the other was disappointingly dry. The falafel: pot luck. There was also sweeties, candy floss and, rather mystifyingly, popcorn everywhere. I’d have liked more booze to wash down the sugar, but to be fair, when there were spirits available, I’d been on two at a time, so maybe I didn’t help.

In terms of other attractions, there was a shisha area, with a kind man for all the stuff you usually make a hash of (lighting the coals, fiddling with the tin foil, etcetera). There was also a Laser Quest. I ‘died’ within minutes. I don’t really understand why. I spent more time on the floor, rolling around like a turtle trying to get back on its feet. That might be why. But it was certainly a lot of fun, and no one had urinated in it a la Robinson May Ball. So Homerton wins there.

For such a miniscule budget, Homerton delivered if not a great event, a really fun event. I was suffering from May Week malaise and I had a fantastic evening; if I could offer them any advice, it’d be to raise the ticket price by £15 and decorate a little better, and invest in a few more bottles of spirits. And sauce for the falafel.

Food And Drink:

Wow Factor:

Value for Money:

Star Attraction: The ents.

Biggest Turn Off: Decorations made it feel a bit like a school fete where the teacher organising it got drunk the night before and staggered into school with a hangover and no idea what to do.

  • Didier Drogba

    I had a great time.

  • voltorb

    they had no vks, so i wasnt interested. i really fancied a vk or two.

  • Benjamin Akou Angoua

    Mate mate mate I was so boozed

  • sek

    no food or spirits by 12, nothing unique and over by 2.30. i know several people who broke in easily and then left within half an hour. homerton june event: not even worth it when it's free.

    • Harry

      funnily enough thats exactly what I said about your mum

      • sek

        with inspired comebacks like that i assume you're on the committee.

        • Stuart the Porter

          Ohh DISS!

    • Do do Didier Zokora

      wow, you bellend.

      • khan

        stop crying

  • Epic fail

    Food finished ridiculously early, there was no cider (or, as said earlier, VKs) at all, and everything that doesn't taste like piss was finished by 11. Ents had the feel of a bop, and a rubbish one at that, although a not-very-well-publicised show by the Footlights was a nice surprise (I should add that I missed Logistics due to being busy watching Footlights).

    Allegedly, the committee had bought something expensive to decorate the place with, but which failed health and safety, thus wasting a lot of the design budget.

    I'd give it 1 and a half stars, but only because the Footlights were there.

    • Do Do Didier Zokora

      Oh you'd give it one and a half stars would ya? It's a shame no one cares what you think, but cheers.

  • Gervinho

    it was good but only because i am on tour

  • nah mate

    Shit night, and all those little nerds in ivory coast shirts made it even more embarrassing to be there. Crashed it with almost ten people and we all left long before its stupidly early finish at 2.30. There wasn't even a fence to get past.

  • john the porter

    my personal highlight was seeing some dude wearing orange and green facepaint kick out that little gimp from christs. he looked more terrified than rob green facing a gently pearolling shot.

    • Stuart the Porter

      Yea, what a cunt.

      • Robin the Porter

        yeh man that Christs lad was a wet little fart. He needs to grow some bahls

  • Merville

    All very well raving about the ents, but didn't Kings affair have logistics?? And for only an extra tenner, I know which ent I would chose.