Recent developments from supermarket giant Sainsbury’s may pose grave danger for the uni and future students if urgent measures are not undertaken.

The uni is facing an almighty fight to maintain its prestigious position, as supermarket giant Sainsbury’s has launched an operation for civic domination.

Uni chiefs have bossed Cambridge life for over 800 years. The rumour that top brass got the train station built away from colleges, so that students wouldn’t be tempted by the prospect of London, circulated until Homerton scuppered their plans.

Sites such as King’s, Fenner’s, and more recently the Corpus Clock have played roles in attracting visitors to Cambridge and entrenching the image of a university city. However, this could all be set to change.

Sainsbury’s is well loved by students, but is there something murkier behind the clean exterior?

Chain store Sainsbury’s maintains a large presence among students, with its shop in the centre of town. People pack like sardines into aisles at peak times, and the midnight closing time comes to the rescue of many students hunting for cheap booze and all-nighter energy supplies.

But, this year has seen the supermarket muscle further into the heart of the city. A new Sainsbury’s Local opened near Downing in April, and there are plans for a shop on Mill Road too, with a public exhibition planned this Thursday. The Sainsbury Laboratory was also opened by the Queen recently at the Botanical Gardens.

And now, Sainsbury’s could be fighting the uni head on. The senate last week nominated Lord Sainsbury – ex-chairman and shareholder in the supermarket – to replace Prince Philip as uni chancellor, in a move that has worried some students.

Lord Sainsbury: Favourite for the chancellorship

Steven Dittundaine, a fifth year medic, told The Tab: “You could see all the signs last year. They renovated their main shop and a Jamie’s restaurant came into town. Now this with the chancellor. Coincidence? I doubt it. They’ll soon be able to infiltrate from within.”

If Sainsbury’s continues to increase domination at this alarming rate, the uni could be forced to:

- refer to third class honours as a “basics” degree
– include
Nectar points in a new entry criteria system
forbid
students from shopping at other supermarkets in order to get an offer
– project images of Jamie Oliver’s face
across King’s Chapel every hour

Despite this, second year MML student Jake Starrows told The Tab he wasn’t worried, saying: “Even if Sainsbury’s does take over and strike down uni domination, it’ll just come back stronger than we could ever imagine.”

Thursday’s exhibition at Mill Road is likely to determine the latest chapter in this ongoing saga.

  • http://www.localdatasearch.com/cambridge/city_centre/convenience_stores/dars_express-12309574 Bilal

    I hear DARS Express are pretty gutted….

  • Bad Journalism

    Seriously, you published this? And filed it under "News"? April 1st was a while ago.

  • Rochdale Pioneer

    CO-OP FTW!!!!

  • For shame

    This is fucking stupid.

  • Basics pun.

    I can't see myself being able to Taste any Difference between this and the current status quo.

  • Chris Morris

    I don't get it

    • P. O'Hanrahanrahan

      That's because this story is small and twatty

      • Ted Maul

        'Twatty' is a sort of metaphor for discombobulated bull junk.

      • Juan Sheet

        Peter, YOU'VE LOST THE NEWS!

        • Collaterlie Sisters

          Peter's high on Joss Ackland's spunky backpack. It's a fucking disgrace.

  • Old Skool

    This is classic Tab, exaggerating stories more or less lying. Love it.

  • its not real money..

    they better let us use our uni cards at the checkout from now on

  • panic

    oh no!

  • O Dear…

    This is just ridiculous. Don't advertise the fact that you continue in Easter term as a great thing if you publish tripe like this… I don't work very hard and even I wouldn't stoop to this level of procrastination…

    • To be fair…

      Don't see your online newspaper being updated daily and then read by thousands…mate.

      Besides the Tab is basically just a forum for these comments anyway.

      • google analytics

        not thousands

        • Insider info

          Actually, yes – in the first two terms, anyway.

          • Snoopy

            And this term, many 1000s

  • ???

    maybe someone please stand against him

    anyone with signatures from 50 MA holders can stand.
    any MA holder can vote

  • This is not a joke!
  • Matt Damon

    Matt Damon

  • Licence to kill

    I thought this was an entertaining piece of satire

    • Captain Tripos

      This doesn't bode well for your exams.

      • Captain Tripod

        I don't bode well for your mum

  • Very biased

    Hahahaha!!! Shit me, brilliant. This is fantastic TAB journalism, absolutely spot on. I loved reading this, one of the best things the TAB's given me in a while xx

  • Enough for a first?

    What's the conversion rate between Nectar points for Tripos marks?

    • thisdudeishilarious

      ha, you're so funny.

      • thissarcasmisamazing

        ha, you're so funny for pointing out that "Enough for a first?"'s comment was only mildly amusing in such a sharp, witty and side-splittingly FUNNY manner.

  • Bland

    This article was not very good.

    • http://www.sainsburys.co.uk/groceries/index.jsp?bmUID=1306269492877 9p curry sauce

      I agree.

      • Anonymous

        I used to eat that 9p curry sauce all the time.
        Now it grosses me out.

  • Try reading…

    …Vivid

  • Facepalm

    I didn't think anything could make my exam term any worse, but the utter shitness of this article just did.

    Thanks Tab: Thab.

  • POlice

    I've not read the tab for a while so i've kind missed its 3rd rate journalism and the non-stories they pass off under the heading of news. Unless the author has something wrong with them this is clearly intended as a joke, but I can understand why a lot of people didn't see it that way as its not at all funny.