THE THEATRE GUIDE DOG decides it’s time for giving some awards to some plays.

Thesps, audience, comments-cunts, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Cam-theatre, not to praise it.

The evil that shows do live after them;
The good is often interred with the curtain-close.

But hey, everyone loves goodies. And I’ve been informed some of you have worked very, very hard this term, so I’ll allow it. And if there’s any faction of Cambridge society which needs more back-patting and flattery, it’s the theatre scene, right?

Best Show

We’ll start nice and easy, shall we? I know some of you are a little slow now term’s over. Some of you are also just a little slow. But that’s OK.

 A Night with Joe Rubini and the Spooks

 The Orphanarium of Erthing Worthing

 Jerry Springer the Opera

 Scrooge & Marley

 Nonsense

Worst Slating

For the most schadenfreude proffered from an online piece of writing since 16 May 2011.

 Macbeth

 Sweeney Todd

 Tartuffe

 FRESHER: The Musical

 You’ve Burnt the Parsnips

 The Two Gentlemen of Verona

 

Worst Response to a Review

I know how much you like crying about reviews. Some of you do it so hard/loudly/disgustingly I thought you even deserved a prize for it. Sort of.

 Macbeth

Act Casual

 Tartuffe

 Grimm Tales

 Beginning, Middle, End

 Treasure Island

 

The Spirit of Theatre Award

A shiny new award, for those of you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed enough to pay attention. It isn’t always the flashiest or the expensive-est or the loudest shows which show the most cojones. The most ambition. The most innovation. The most spirit. It isn’t even always the most good shows. Or maybe it is. I don’t know. (I do, I’m just not telling you. Work it out yourselves.)

 Jerry Springer the Opera

 Beginning, Middle, End

 Scrooge & Marley

 The 24 Hour Plays

 Fierce

 

Most Incorrect Review

Think you can do our job better than us, you scum of the comments section? Well you can’t. But we’ll let you feebly attempt to get one back at us, whether it be for our blazing criticism or our swashbuckling style – whichever you found yourself least able to handle. Your turn to try and make one of us cry. Go on, I dare you.

 Act Casual

 Sweeney Todd

 Tartuffe

 Grimm Tales

 Treasure Island

Voting closes on Friday 16th December at midnight. Results will be announced the following day. Oh. And uh, Merry Christmas I guess. 

  • What…

    I'm sorry but the Broody review was the biggest pile of shit I've ever read.

  • Theatre

    I vote Tony Dent

  • Theatre Scum

    I understand you're new to this, but please stop trying to be edgy, it makes you seem like a total cunt.

    What happened to genuine categories like best late show, best musical etc? Three of your categories(out of five!!!) are about reviews, which leaves best show and worst show.

    Bring back old theatre guide dog, this one's lame.

    • Theatre Chum

      Best late show is a stupid category, the only thing that distinguishes them is the time they're on, why should that be relevant for an award? And best musical? How many have there been?

      Different categories from the ones I want? CUNT!
      What an unpleasant person you must be to be around. Cheer up, chuckles, it's Christmas.

    • tosspot

      Oh come on moron, these tab awards mean absolutely nothing. The only people who vote are friends with the shows or reviewers for the tab. Why not embrace their ridiculous nature and make them more self-consciously silly. twat.

      • oh what!?!?

        shut up! how. dare. you. i look forward to these awards because nobody else recognises the amount of effort we all put into every show. be it actors, directors, writers, co-directors, co-writers, actresses, artistic supervisors, set designers, coriograffers, dance positioners, producers, co-producers, understudies, actors or behind the scenes/technical-other, we all put in a bloody load of work. screw you. and i really hope that i win this year (i won't tell you which show i was involved with because it weren't nominated).

        P.S: I was in Rustly Brown Trousers as Chuckle understudy 2.

  • James Swanton

    The Scrooge & Marley campaign video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M6jMkkuncpI

    • Emma Violet

      I love this.

    • Happy

      This is so great! I'm voting Scrooge and Marley!

  • Peter Andre

    The campaign video for every play except Scrooge & Marley: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJ0_IlD7c14

    • Aroused

      Perfect material for a quicky…

  • TPJ

    I like to watch plays when I'm not training for the U21s!

  • TPJ

    I am always trainging for U21's!

  • TPJ

    I only smell from trainging for the U21's.

  • Lame

    Nothing kills a comments section quicker than this TPJ shit.

  • TTH

    It doesn't matter because after Broody we don't need theatre any more.

  • Rezza

    Not fucking bad for the TAB… more of this please…and it’s true!

  • not a techie

    they may involve different stuff, but nobody who isn't involved actually cares; so it seems stupid to predicate awards chosen by popular vote on that criterion.

    also, dividing shows by venues creates an unhelpful hierarchy – "other venues" is needlessly patronising, and being at the ADC or Corpus doesn't make a show more or less worthy of an award. I personally found the first two rounds of awards too full, lots of shows won multiple things which is just silly, and if every other well-rated show wins an award it devalues the whole thing.

  • Techie

    It's not the worthiness – it's what you can achieve with limited resources, which might give people a hint of which directors/actors/writers to watch out for in future. It was meant to be as well as (not instead of) an overall "best show".

    The hierarchy may seem unhelpful – but it's true that in general the ADC shows have the pick of the bunch, with the playroom coming second as a university wide appeal, and many of the smaller shows not being seen by many – surely higlighting them in this way is no bad thing. By the time these "awards" are given out the shows are over, but if it highlights a few of the better things, then you can keep an eye out for them in the future in other performances.

    Or we could just have a best show award, and not bother about anything else, because the tab was running out of column inches.

    The fact that the awards are mainly voted for by friends of those involved is, however, a bigger issue. No ideas there.

  • Theatre

    "No ideas there"

    Because you're a techie. Stick to what you know. (Taping things to other things and feeling undervalued and superior).

  • Techie

    Oh do fuck off

  • Actor

    Don't say that, they do a hell of a lot of stuff I don't understand so that I get to go to the afterparty on time. And "stick to what you know" is a terrible pun in reference to "taping things"

  • Theatre

    There's the creativity we know and love