Madame TeaLeaves and her prophetic wisdom are back.

Madame Tealeaves is back to offer her predictions as the second half of term approaches…

Taurus

April 20th-May 20th

You need a holiday. If the Bahamas/Dignitas are booked out, compromise by pouring some Demerara sugar into your shoes to make them feel sandy. Before leaving buildings, apply thick sunscreen onto the tip of your nose and complain loudly about the heat wave.

Aries

March 21st-April 19th

People have been talking about you. Don’t worry, not about your inner nature – just about your looks and personality and intelligence, that kind of fluff.

Gemini

May 21st-June 20th

This is your week to use body language instead of words – to say no, clap your arms together like a magnificent seal; to say yes, immediately crouch into a little ball on the ground and attempt to roll away like a marble. To say “I concede, you have a point”, walk solemnly into the nearest wall.

Cancer

June 21st – July 22nd

Things are going to get pretty tough. But you will take comfort from the fact that your friends are having a grand time, and that old age will be considerably worse.

Leo

July 23rd-August 22nd

You will find a lot of change on the ground this week. Deed-poll your name to Baron(ness) Clinky Heavy Moneybags. Before going out, ask which carriage has been ordered and whether there will be Shetland ponies.

Virgo

August 23rd-September 22nd

This week is your week to celebrate the mould. If you find it growing on your bread, skip with glee and smother the loaf with butter and affection. Grate cheese into friends’ drawers and leave to mature. Cheerfully leave milk by radiators.

Libra

September 23rd-October 22nd

You will find yourself two minutes late this week. It will not, however, be a case of better late than never.

Scorpio

October 23rd-November 21st

That lecherous glare you intercepted between your Braeburn and the foreign orange was actually a look of longing.

Sagittarius

November 22nd-December 21st

Embrace the machine by computer-speaking this week. Upon tripping over, shout manically “Control Zed! Control Zed!” If you want more information from someone, inquire politely, “Right click?”

Capricorn

December 22nd-January 19th

Now more than ever is the moment to wage war against the vegetarians. Wear bacon earrings. Syringe gravy into innocent falafel.

Aquarius

January 20th-February 18th

The stars want you to seize all opportunities to sit down this week. Bring a camp chair with you to shops in case you have to take time to decide between products. While ascending a flight of stairs, have a quick seat on each step as you go up.

Pisces

February 19th-March 20th

To raise awareness, pretend you have a hearing difficulty. Hang a megaphone round your neck in case people want to talk to you. Request to share chairs with your supervisor so as to be able to hear them. Appear wholly unaware that you are laughing heartily at the witty dialogues only going on in your mind.

Illustrations by Ella Jackson

  • Where is

    ophiuchus?

  • T'is

    very amusing. Love the illustrations.

  • Tealeaves fan

    Why can't these be weekly?

    • Scorpion

      If you want more stuff like this, check out @Horrorsc0pes on Twitter, they're excellent. In a slightly different vein, but a similar concept.

  • a northern amigo

    i love you leaf

  • Hannah

    Funny article!