Cambridge Characters: The Bouncer

In an ongoing quest to discover the full human face of Cambridge, ROSIE HORE snuggles up to two of your favourite heavies.

The Cambridge bouncer is an elusive character: an anonymous figure of authority rising from the hazy memories of your nights out. We headed out to Fez and Lola Lo to meet the best Cambridge has to offer…

Our first bouncer, Kojo, is a Cambridge regular. He’s worked at Cindies, Fez, Life and Lola Lo, which he quite correctly identifies as “everywhere” there is to go out in Cambridge. Right now this head doorman is rocking Lolas, in charge of a team of up to 8 bouncers and that completely incomprehensible queuing system.

 

The best bouncer in the Pacific…

It might seem as if being a Cambridge doorman is a pretty thankless task. We were expecting tales of drama, drunkenness and debauchery from the Thursday night party crowd, but, as ever, we failed somewhat to live up to the Daily Mail’s expectations. Kojo says he hardly ever gets trouble from students, most of them preferring to strike up lengthy drunken chats than kick off.

We do bloody love stealing things though. But for those of you who made do with a coconut or a fresher on opening night, poor effort. One Lola-Lo-ver thought to make off with a full-sized Tiki Hut. He then positioned this new piece of prime real-estate in front of the Van of Life and settled in for the night. Unfortunately, the stellar tactic of trying to hide in a stolen Tiki Hut did not escape the eagle-eye of our man Kojo. The thief then attempted to convince the crowd that the Tiki Hut belonged to him, presumably a kind of portable shag pad which he always took to the Van with him to keep his chips out of the rain.We were impressed. Kojo was not.

Apparently a hard-ass name is obligatory for bouncers, because our next interviewee was Leroy, head doorman at Fez, who concluded that Cambridge was less fighty than Peterborough, but with more clever people. We thought he was probably right.

The best thing about his job? Again, it was getting “banter from customers” and having “a laugh with people”, although by the end of the night this usually turns into life-stories and proclamations of love. To be honest, the situation was not much different by the end of our interview – Leroy has the face of an angel. A very stern angel from Peterborough.

 

Our man Leroy on the left. Not sure who the bloke in the tie is, but he wanted his photo taken too…

Again, we were really looking for some cheeky “fighting, stripping off, vomiting and urinating” but Leroy didn’t find much to be shocked at in our antics. Us Cambridge students may “party a little bit too much”, but he reckons things have calmed down since he was 18. Kids these days, eh? You just can’t get the scandal… Then again, Leroy did go to the Regal, Lola-Lo, Revs AND Life in one night, so we think he might be a bit out of our league.

Unlike our ladies’ man Leroy, Kojo didn’t hesitate in deciding that drunk girls were a bigger handful than drunk boys. Not only do girls tend to wear next to nothing whilst Kojo’s in his thermals, they also “never accept the fact that they’re drunk”. Sound familiar? But although the girls may skimp on clothing, Kojo has only had to accost men running nekkid through the club, to bundle them out of the fire exit, and then, amazingly, go and find their clothes. That’s a gentleman for you. Leroy also denied ever ‘chucking someone out’ – he would rather ‘eject’ or ‘remove’ the troublemakers.

These are the men who have seen it all. Although apparently, that isn’t all that much. Despite our best intentions, Kojo and Leroy didn’t seem to think us up to much laddiness. But whoever stole the LolaLo bicycle (an actual bike btw, not a Hawaiian-themed shlag), give it back yeah?

Kojo may look nice, but we’re sure he could get mad…

  • another H.

    this article is almost as great as your surname

    • Classic Cambridge

      This one time, a Hore offered to have sex with me. But she wasn't as eloquent as Rosie so I went back to the library instead.

    • Third H

      Great stuff!

  • LEEEEEEROOOOOOOY

    JENKINSSSSSSSS

  • HORE FAN

    Great puns Rosie, no pun intended…

  • glad to see

    the tab isn't horing itself out any more. this is actually a very well written article.

    • Armchair Critic

      *whoring

      • Lilo Critic

        You're an idiot.

  • H-Lounge

    Kojo, remember me???

  • Kojo

    is a pure beast

    • louis gibson

      no he's not, and ima deck him next time

  • David Leahey

    Kojo is a pussy! Man is going to fuck him up when i'm next out!

    • Waitrose

      You shop at Tesco, definately a pussy yourself!

  • shut up

    fuck off

    • louis gibson

      haha kojo this is obviously you, next time im at lolas ima bang you out

      • Danny K

        I'm on Kojo's side

  • Manliness of Kojo

    is massively deflated by butterfly in Lola Lo sign…

    • Kojo-lad

      But fortunately reinflated by 'Lad' on the sign to his left…

  • A Bouncer

    This is totally the journalistic equivalent to sucking off a bouncer to get queue jump…great article though!

  • halo

    Dese boys, as you put it would probably pick you up in the aiiir and put you on the floor whilst you cry like a baby…..fam!!!! Dont hate them cause you aint them!!!

  • Matt Burke

    blud, you need a slap. pipe down before i send my boyz for you bruv

  • the real dave leahy

    seriously kojo drops anchor in poo bay

  • Louis Gibson

    I'm not happy about my boys getting parred last night, Kojo better watch his back in future or the only thing getting kicked out will be his front teetch. PUSSYHOLE x

  • Robin Jeanneret

    I don't know what this beef's all about but I was at Lolalo's last night and saw Kojo giving it the big one. This man clearly is an absolute goon with no life and if he ever tries to boy me off i'll make him cry like the little faggot he is x

  • louis gibson

    again, kojo you need to pipe down you faggot. no one likes bouncers and you have a terrible job

  • innocent bystander

    bouncers are scum. they pretend like they are sik, but they need to pipe down. they are just overgrown steroid monkeys that realise they have no cchanhe at a real career so they choose some job where they have some power, but in reality they are scum!

  • Al MacFarlane

    I am well hench! I would bang out Kojo, hes a massive faggot!

    • i heard

      you bench 140

      • Mariusz Pudjianowsci

        yeah true story, i was there

      • Radike Samo

        I trained him

        • Channel 5

          We wish we still had World's Strongest Man

  • Louis Gibson

    I fucked up Danny K, i could fuck up Kojo

  • Louis Gibson

    It is clearly Kojo wrting all the comments about 'how sick Kojo is' – what a tragic loser trying to big himself up on the tab lol!! I hope he's still there after exams coz he's gunna get so rinsed when me and the boys next go lolas!

  • Matt Burke

    Once i've got a bottle of wine down who knows what i'll do to a pussy like Kojo, thinking he's got a bit of power coz he stands on the door of a club – what a career!!

    • ps.

      gotta strawpedo it in my room

  • George Clifton Brown

    I agree with all these comments. Kojo is a CUNT. I'd like to see him try to not let me in to his shitty club.
    p.s. I had sex with a fat prostitute in Amsterdam (lol). i think she was Kojo's mum and she actually warned me that he is a massive bellend. Although I couldn't really understand her cos her mouth was pretty full

    • i heard

      kojo got involved and started bumming you

  • George C-Brown

    Anyway, I doubt we'll hear from Kojob again after this, he'll be far too shook to stay at Lolas!

  • Sam Kemp

    This Kojo sounds like a twat, my dad would totally sue or bum him

  • Amy Chen-Cooper

    Totally agree, I would stand over Kojo and use my vagina to crush grapes on his head. He deserves nothing more than my rancid pussy wine

  • Leroy

    I've worked with Kojo for ages, and even I want to smash him up. With a wrench and or banana

    • all the bouncers

      hate Kojo mate, this isn't news

  • CUSU

    Stop targeting Kojo, it is homophobic

    • Dan Bartholomew

      We deserve to bully him as he's a big gay superfaggot

  • Radiki Samo

    I look like a still from a 70's porn film, also me and Christopher Lealeafano are ordering 50 wings, who wants to get involved? Not Kojo, he's a massive twat. Also i genuinely could take him. Google me the images please

  • George Ford

    I am small and as a result have to go on a strength and conditioning program. however, I could still put Kojo up in da AIIIIIIR fam. Leicester Tigers, tries and drop kicks etc

  • i heard

    especially with my 3000 calorie protein shake!

    i eat raw gazelles for breakfast

  • Chris Wilson

    Manzzz gonna fuck this kojo brer up.
    ps. after my exams

  • alex jones

    i may be in munich but i'll come back especially to fuck this kojo breh up

  • Tommeh P

    I'll sit on yeh

  • Daniel Bartholemew

    On behalf of the JMA (and other faggots #hoesbewinnin') I ask you to remove these offensive comments otherwise I'll report you to Paul Chirico (for having a sense of humour).

  • St John's Rent Boys

    We're the only people who Kojo could beat up. Also we lost to Fitz with a full team and some ringers. Hi, we're shit.

  • Simon Burdus

    Who the fuck is Kojo?

  • David Starkey

    They all look the same to me.

    Also I could beat Kojo up.

  • MacFarlane

    This boy aint hench like me, i will slap him UP!

  • Aragorn

    For Frodo!

  • Tom Whalley

    Duh. Duh duh .Duh duh….

  • Claire Hubert

    I would have sex with Kojo #hoesbewinnin'

  • Carly Rae Jepson

    Hey, I just met you.
    This is crazy.
    Here's my number.
    Fuck off Kojo.