Before the Bubble Bursts: Part II

For some of us, the Cambridge clock is ticking. Here’s Part 2 of our Cambridge essentials to cram in before The End.

There will come a rainy, pathetic fallacy of a day when the immortal truth will reveal itself: Cambridge isn’t forever.

Last week we set the ball rolling with our first check-list of things to do before the day comes to drive past Girton one last time on your way out into the real world. In part two, we ask the Tab team what they’ll be squeezing in before the grand adieu.

Drink at the Grapes – Ben Dalton

Be it half a lager shandy, or a soda lemonade, The Grapes, the stout mistress that she be, will provide your throat with whatever slake it desires! Great toilets, great service, and a regular Robbie Williams impersonator; this is public house utopia. The Grapes is of rustic, Diagon Alley appeal, but you’re mor likely to leave with alcohol poisoning and an unexplained hernia than a 10 incher from Olivander’s. Play it loud and proud here, yodle as violently as you can, and pull your skirt and petticoats far, far above your head.

Loving Angels 

Go to a feast – Katie Mair

At the end of last May Week, I was invited to our College’s annual Benefactor’s Feast, held to thank the alumnae for keeping us afloat, and to ply them with enough wine and pigeon so as to guarantee a place in their wills. After the awkward champagne reception, seven courses and the four types of accompanying wine, I was feeling quite benevolent myself, and would have willingly promised my own ova to Dame Rosemary Murray. The night ended with me being double parked with port in one hand and whiskey in the other, swapping rude jokes with the company director of Lil-Lets.

Hire a punt for John’s fireworks – Hettie Kelly

If you only manage to do one thing on this list, make it this. Sleeping with a supervisor might be sensational and mounting the Jesus Horse liberating, but this experience tops them all (and won’t get you sent down). For one night only the river is transformed: every square inch packed full of punts, and every punt packed full of revellers. Transform the boat into a party/love nest with duvets, snacks and booze. Then enjoy one of the best views of May Week, for a fraction of the price. I’m not sure it isn’t more fun than going to the actual ball…

Cambridge’s answer to Venice 

Sober Cindies – Tom Rasmussen

Lost your shoes? Your friends? Your mind? If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions then it’s time to make a change. Doing it sober (and I mean through choice, not antibiotic taking/”I’m competing in Varsity falconry”  next week sober) is guaranteed to give you one of the most surreal experiences of your life. Think Dali… on LSD… at Klubnacht… on New Year’s Eve. Do it! To reclaim your shoes, friends or mind, call 0800-WHO-WAS-SICK-ON-MY-BACK.

Break into Shit – Evie Prichard

What’s a Cambridge education without a sense of god-given entitlement? Be sure to utilise it while you’re here by striding into completely random events and knocking back as much free booze as you can. We’ve all heard, and perhaps enacted, the epic stories of pirate costumes at white tie balls and midnight swims across the Cam in dry-suits, but there’s no need to set your sights that high. Summer is full of champagne receptions and garden parties cropping up at the most unexpected of times. Gentlemen, keep a bowtie in your back pocket. Ladies, wear a floor-length gown in the library. Opportunity is all around you – don’t fail to exploit it.

King’s Affair: out on the crash

Date at Grad cafe – Anna Sheinman

My date in the Grad Café was unutterably dire. I knew I hadn’t found The One when I joked about the crap view and my date looked confused and said he didn’t really find sarcasm funny. Awkward. I stayed for an hour to be polite, this was a good move. Long glass windows open onto Mill Pond, and, in the fading afternoon light, the water sparkles like the moat in my favourite Polly Pocket Princess Castle. The weeping willows drip into the river and glow a mad orange as the sun sinks, and if you’re lucky, as the punts come back into dock, someone will crash.

Sex in the UL – Anon

When it comes to shagging among the stacks, the bigger and more densely populated the library, the better. The UL presents the perfect midday challenge. First, I found myself a stranger, on the assumption that we’d never have to see each other again. Except we live in Cambridge. So I see him every Thursday in Life.

After meeting at the top of the main staircase, took a lift down to the basement, praying it would be a while before the lift got recalled. Thankfully, all went to plan, and when it all ended we were just two people using a lift, feeling a little bit smug and a little bit embarrassed.

________________________

So get off your fat botty, and act like you’re happy to be here. There’s more to Cambridge than Fish ‘n’ Chips Friday at buttery. You know that, so do something about it. 

  • Hot Girl

    Who is that good looking man in the baywatch costume? I want to touch him

  • @ baywatch bigboy

    Please never wear a tight vest again.

    • Get a life

      That's what real people look like.

      • Mate

        To be fair, normal fat people don't wear tight vests…

  • Funny Man

    I wanna drink a glass of vino at The Grapes, as vino is made of grapes haha!

    • Funnier Man

      I assume your name is ironic then…?

  • Ben's contribution

    doesn't make much sense

    • Kibbler wrote this

      !!!

  • Sigh

    I thought I'd made it to the end of a sensible Tab article about Cambridge life, but nope, the nerd fantasy shagging references return…
    HOW MANY TIMES MUST I MOAN ABOUT MY BLUE BALLS?