Can’t sleep for all that Pussy energy coursing through your veins? Take some time to unwind with these TV classics…
The night before an exam is hideous. Sometimes the best way to deal with the nerves is to hide your books, grab a tipple and turn on something mindless. So here are some suggestions to help prepare you for the big day…
Made in Chelsea (Nick Sinclair)
Made in Chelsea is my very own “2 minutes hate” when on a Monday evening I can sit in front of a TV and verbally abuse real people. Although the show is almost certainly broadcast to North Koreans to convince them of the decadence of western capitalism, it’s strangely compelling. MIC has made leaving 6 second awkward silences at the end of every scene a viable TV production technique. These little gaps give everyone in the room time to vent their spleen and declare “Cheska is such a shit stirrer”, “I miss slicked-back fat Spencer”, or “Richard definitely plans to kill Kimberly and preserve her flawless skin in a jar of vinegar.”
10 Things I hate About You (Ben Dalton)
I would recommend watching Ten Things I Hate About You before your exam. Not only does a good Shakespearean rip-off tale of unrequited love and impending sexual explosion awaken even the frostiest of hearts, it is also true that the best way to remember things in groups of five. Admittedly the film asks you to remember a list of ten reasons, yet this should only require twice the brain power. “But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even a little bit, not even at all”- finally, reach that infamously heart-warming climax, quickly reverse the subtly maneuvered love/hate binary, and walk into your exam. With your big, bright, yellow candidate sheet.
Peep Show (Hattie Peachey)
There are worse places than the exam hall in this life – imagine pissing yourself at your best friend’s wedding, jizzing yourself in a stationery cupboard or, worse, killing a dog and eating its charred remains as a cover-up. Yes, Peep Show always does the trick before any stressful situation. With it comes the soothing knowledge that, when it all goes down the shitter, Mark and Jeremy have the answer – the person who set the exam was probably a pool pooer.
Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe (Tom Bateman)
If you haven’t seen it before, then it’s time you do. The U.S special is a good starting point, blending Brooker’s razor-sharp wit and cynicism with some puzzled American responses to ‘The Bill’ and ‘Countdown’. I’d even recommend it for exam preparation, because if your timed essay on international relations, or Baudelaire, or the Tang dynasty carries half as much conviction as Screenwipe’s sustained attack on mediocre television does, then you’ll definitely get a first. Well, maybe.
Classic Marvel Superhero Cartoons (Kieran Corcoran)
Harks back to the days of zero responsibility when an afternoon watching Fox Kids was perfectly acceptable and nobody cared that the ad reveue was cross-subsidising phone hacking. Also there’s the feel good factor and the potential to imagine that Spiderman beating a doc is an allegory of how you’re going to smash your way to a first tomorrow (both involving fake webbing and masks). Plus superhero babes are hot.
Come Outside (Henrietta Kelly)
Sticking with the childhood theme, this classic the ideal remedy for fraught nerves. There is a spotty plane, flying goggles and a dog to rival Lassie. Join Aunt Mable and her block fringe as she teaches you some fundamental life lessons like how crisps are packaged and how sewage is treated. This blast from the past is a hug in a programme, mildly educational and ceaselessly comforting. Even if you don’t remember Kant’s second moment of aesthic judgement, at least you’ll know how streetlamps work.
And if you’ve still got a good week before you enter the exam hall and the revision just seems endless, just remember you are not alone…