EVIE PRICHARD is losing her memory and turning to porcelain. Standard exam term then.

My friends are at the beer festival. People are making out in the sun on the grass outside my window. I can hear the sinister tinkle of an ice cream van behind the birdsong and laughter.

What am I doing? Sitting in a darkened room writing to you, deluding myself that I’ll still have time today to learn the whole of political philosophy, feeling like this slinky and idly wishing I had one of those tooth whiteness charts so I could measure whether my legs have upgraded themselves from ivory to porcelain yet.

In other news, I’ve realised that every new item of knowledge I cram into my aching, slightly sun-burnt skull is expunging something better. I sat my metaphysics exam on Friday, and as I laid down my pen and relaxed my mental grip on Quine’s objections to correspondence theories of truth, I realised that the preparation for this intense and draining session of mental masturbation had permanently overwritten knowledge that could have had some practical use. If I ever find myself having to perform emergency surgery with my penknife or fend off a wild boar, I’ll have Quine to thank for my failure.

So many treasured memories are beginning to slip away. The time a teacher intercepted a note I’d passed that strongly implying I’d like to put a bullet through my German teacher’s brain, and I and my parents got treated to the full, hush-voiced, Columbine prevention program. The time my sister got her hair braided on holiday and caught me emailing friends at home to tell them she looked like a cancer patient in a moth-eaten wig. Without these memories to guide me, history will repeat itself. And I can’t face them a second time.

And it gets worse. Prosopagnosia – the syndrome I wrote about last year, which makes it so difficult for me to remember faces – goes into overdrive over the exam period. Almost a year ago, the day after my first year exams finished, I was at the bar of Lola Lo, feeling pretty cheerful and sipping something fluorescent from a coconut, when some random sleazy guy oozed up to me with the worst chat up line I’ve ever heard.

He asked me what the cheapest cocktail was. I was just beginning my escape attempt when I noticed that he was wearing the same cologne as someone I know. Someone, in fact, with whom I’d been, well, intimately linked the previous term. Linked very intimately indeed. Weirder still, this boy was wearing a very familiar shirt. The sort of golfing-style American-high-school-nerd polo shirt that only one person in Cambridge could possibly own.

You guys know where this story is going; I unfortunately did not. Instead I came to the obvious, utterly intuitive conclusion that this strange person was friends with my ex-fling, had got ready to go clubbing with him, used his cologne and borrowed his shirt. And that’s the story of how I came to ask a guy with whom I’d been doing the wild thing for an entire term whether he knew himself.

I wish I could say the poor boy had had some disfiguring accident – cycled face-first into some barbed wire or singed off his own nose in some kind of chemistry lab farce – but he’d only gone and got a haircut. My high heels had thrown off our height ratio, too. You have to feel sorry for the sod, and I would too, if he weren’t at the beer festival right now being happier than me. And if he hadn’t tried to have sex with my 45-year-old ex-babysitter; but that’s a story for another day.

My point, though, is that if that’s what happened to me after first year exams, God only knows what kind of facial amnesiac will stumble into the job market after finals. I’ll be introducing myself to family members and wondering who that weird old lady is on the corner of all my rejection letter envelopes.

And once that happens, I really might as well have gone to the beer festival and saved us all a lot of time.

  • Nelson Mandela

    Fitz beat John's at Rugby

    • But St

      Edmund's won. Suck on that.

      • Percivall Pott

        yeah but it doesn't count if all your players are over 40 and gay

  • Oh, so you

    Have prosopagnosia? Tell us more, I had no idea.

  • ccc

    so funny, really enjoyed it!!

  • Spoony

    he sounds like a lad

  • MacFarlane

    how about I make you Evie MacFarlane!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JldTIJZfxYQ

    • a person

      i don't think this is as funny as you seem to think it is

      • MacFarlane

        i think you should jog on, im great

  • :'(

    I'm not sure I love you any more now I know you've been sleeping with other people.

  • Redditor
  • Trenton Oldfield

    I SUCK BARE DICK!

  • ilovebummingdave

    HHAHAHAHAHA DAVID BYRNE

  • LowPoint

    Beyond ‘forgetting’ to book facilities, double booking minibuses and polishing their own CVs, do any sabbaticals do anything of merit?

    • Lakd

      I’d argue that they do. Sadly, a lot of the successful work we see on the education side of AUSA is not felt more widely as there are slow and institutional changes to benefit students in the long-term. It’s just a shame we won’t and don’t see it more widely. I agree, though, you have to question ho far they reach!

  • “Democracy”

    it’s very obvious that the poor advertising of the elections/ lack of sabbs encouraging people to run for position was absent this year because the ‘closed office clique’ had already hand-picked who they wanted in what position for the next year and didn’t want any competition. Ironic, given that these are the people who spout off about the importance of democracy and representation to students.
    Also of the sabbs that re-ran this year my bets is that they are merely biding their time until the next opportunity in NUS opens up, it’s pretty sad. Here’s to all of them having one more glory year before the next batch of drones take up the positions.

    • LowPoint

      But the ongoing problem with the Sports Union has always been the turnover of staff and lack of continuity… the lack of a permanent face was always its biggest issue. How can an organisation achieve anything worthwhile if its head is changed year on year?

      The Sports U would work best if the elected student representatives worked beneath a permanent/semi-permanent full time “President”.

      Said president, for those fools who so uphold ‘democracy’, could face election every 4 years or so. Though I would suggest a non-elected, non-student, President with the relevant skills and experience would be the best solution.

      • Too many sabbs spoil the pot

        The sports union doesn’t really need to be governed by a president, nor does societies really. As long as they have someone in charge of organising their fixtures/room booking and finances, which all gets done by a member of staff already. there’s no reason to have a non-permanent member doing very little. If there’s a problem in terms of representation or if they want to do something political take it to the Student President. We have too many sabbs anyways.

  • Skeptical

    I’m not sure anyone that ‘endorsed’ other candidates on social media would have done so without being entirely confident in their policies.
    Perhaps the best candidates received messages of support not because they were ‘our mates’ but because they were the BEST CANDIDATES.

  • Luciano

    This is ridiculous, obviously one of the ‘losers’ wrote this, and I’m pretty sure we all know who. The fact is that no matter how much work you put into these things people just don’t give a rat’s ass. I was campaigning during these elections and the amount of people who said I’m not interested or I’m not voting was beyond belief. Students tend to stick to their groups and don’t like to stray from it. They’re were incentives to vote and our presence was everywhere from Buchart to ForresterHill so there is no point trying to say we didn’t try. If people in Buchart are the only ones who vote, then they deserve to get who they voted for.

    Have you ever thought that maybe the people with the most connections to AUSA will be the best. I take the new Student President as an example. She has been part of AUSA for three years in the charities committee where she was President this year and VP (might as well have been President) the year before. She knows AUSA inside-out and she is close to the current President. Don’t you think she will have a better advantage going into this position?

    People can put on Facebook whatever they like about elections and like you have said, it is only democratic to do so. So I suggest you quit your moaning and look for a job rather than sulk at your lost.

    If you didn’t run and are apart of AUSA I don’t see you coming up with any brilliant ideas on involving more students so quite frankly you shouldn’t be writing anything negative about it.

  • macbob

    First of all, last year there was almost 3500 votes casts, which is over a thousand MORE than this year, not less.

    Secondly, whilst you may believe that there is massive AUSA conspiracy to hand pick and elect candidates, it’s not the case – it would be great if more than two (or one) person would run for a position, but they don’t. That is not AUSA’s fault – it’t the unengaged student bodies problem – no matter how welcoming, and what AUSA does, some people (read: majority of student body) are just not interested.

    I can also categorically say that the only people that are likely NOT to vote for their pals, is actually the AUSA lot – they take policies seriously and are more likely to read all the manifesto’s before making up their minds – for the rest of the student body it is just who can get people to vote for their pals.

    Furthermore, the pictures of the people you have up as so called ‘AUSA outsiders’ are actually insiders – Chair of Council, Education Committee, Societies Committee (and I could go on).

    Don’t blame AUSA, blame the students for not turning up and getting involved – Well done to everyone who ran and gave it a bash – you’re all brave!

    • The Tab Aberdeen

      The piece does say 1000 less than last year. “This year we saw a decrease, with only 2100 (approx) votes being cast.”

  • idontknowanythingreally

    As a new student to Aberdeen I find AUSA really hard to get involved with. I started my PhD at the university in October and AUSA feels in no way connected to the student body as a whole. I live in halls and many of the attempts of the union to connect with the students there is kinda laughable at best. I find it hard to get involved in anything, it doesn’t help being at Forresterhill it’s the forgotten campus. It’s as if people forget a large chunk of us are up the road and we’re left out of many of the events.

    Trying to be better represented is hard because AUSA is insular at best, therefore you can run but you never stand a chance. This is in huge contract to my time at Edinburgh where I did my undergrad degree. EUSA was so easy to get involved with, it was incredible and well connected to the student body despite the recent scandals it was much more interested in opening its doors and having everyone in. Part of that was they had good representation on each campus where as in Aberdeen it automatically alienates a huge proportion of the students.

    The number of votes cast speak for itself and shows how disengaged with it’s own student body AUSA is. There’s a lot of work that needs to be done on connecting the two and without a doubt the first step has to be greater transparency in AUSA.