BEN DALTON and MICHAEL FREEDMAN review Clare May Ball and its amazing smoked salmon.

Clare May Ball

18th June 2012, £130

Our sense buds begin to germinate fully on approaching the smoked salmon. Literally swimming through an entire shoal of succulent fish breast, one bejewelled reveller, eyes alight, testifies loudly to the serenity of the evening’s ambiance.

Long gowns whisper and tickle at the carpeted gardens of Clare, and even though we are told by the sweet shop lady that ‘things just aren’t quite ready yet love’, this does nothing to deter our excitement. Michael’s stomach has not incurred such butterflies since his Bar mizvah.

The triumph of the Clare May Ball aesthetic is to be found in the detail. Lights in the most unexpected of places bring subtle yet sumptuous attention to the shrubbery. Here is an elegance which lies not in the brash thump of a Trinity firework display, but in the mystique of a well-placed dry ice machine and in the animated twitch of the CCMS conductor’s baton.

The main act of the night, DJ Fresh, is an expected disappointment, trotting onto the stage, he looks from the beginning very much the defeated one-trick pony. Having opened to an energized audience, his later cries of ‘Jump! Jump! Jump!’ are met by several groans, and the exasperated slump of many the high-heel wearer. But we aren’t here for DJ Fresh, no siree! This is not a ball that needs to ‘get louder’. In fact we’re quite alright the way we are and we were doing just fine at the smoked salmon stand.

The unmitigated triumph of the evening proves to be the Ceilidh, complete with lovingly grumpy instructor. ‘ONE AND ONE DOESN’T MAKE THREE MADAM!’ he screams at a threesome attempting to polka their way around the room. With rigid imaginings of the gender of dance etiquette, males and females are strictly separated. We are transported back to a time where women were women and men were men, and in the ecstasy of the moment, we jump up and down with delighted behinds and sweaty monobrows.

The Avenue of Sins turns out to be our most treasured resource, and in fact the perfect tonic to any encroaching slumber, a fate endured by many languishing in the shadows of the Clare cellars. No throat is here left insatiated, as the lady at the smoothie stand playfully teases together bananas and kiwis aplenty; very much the tropical apothecary to all over our wearies.

A huge well done to the minder of the Buxton bottled water and juice stand who triumphantly stands by her liquids to the very death and is very much the face of the festival. Outrageous queues however are to be found at the caffeine stall, testament unfortunately not only to unprecedented demand, but also to the bumbling slowness of the staff. Clare Ball knows what we want. There aren’t so many surprises to be found here, yet old favourites and friendly faces such as the silent disco, smoked salmon and moneyless casino were carried out with aplomb. Like a Waitrose yoghurt.

A great night from a clearly dedicated committee.

Food and Drink:

Wow Factor:

Value for Money:

Star Attraction: Smoked Salmon

Biggest Turn-Off: Grumpy Ceilidh instructor

  • not a jew

    don't you mean bar mitzvah?

  • Disgruntled

    This was by far the worst May Ball I have ever attended. Poorly lit, dangerous uncovered cobbles, terrible presentation of cheese and crackers, no entertainments aside from the ubiquitous and mundane casino and punting. Lukewarm food and lukewarm drinks. Very little available alcohol (mint juleps, mohitos and dry ice cocktails were all promised but never appeared), poorly signposted, shisha tent packed up early. Overall: fucking dire.

    • ooohhhh…

      a part of me loves that I attend a university where someone would sincerely comment on the poor presentation of cheese and crackers; another part of me wants to crawl up inside myself and die.

    • Gruntled

      Which ball did you attend? Certainly not Clare!

      "No entertainments…" At Clare there were 5 separate, concurrent music venues, the casino, punting, the shisha tent, massage, a cariacaturist, a fortune-teller and a few comedy and magic acts…

      "Lukewarm food…" Clearly a chocolate fountain, ice creams, fresh doughnuts, fresh crepes, bacon butties, the hog roast and the barbecue cannot have been "lukewarm". Cracker presentation was poor, yes, but is essentially irrelevant; the pate, cheese, smoked salmon, fruit and salad was all delicious (easily the best salmon I've had, and I'm a big fan).

      "Very little available alcohol…" At one point during the night I would've agreed with you. I'd had 6 glasses of champagne and a vodka luge as a warm up, had headed down to cellars for the whisky tasting, and found when I returned that the Old Court bar was closed. But after waiting for around five minutes the flow of drinks resumed. I didn't even try the wine bar, or ale, cider and porter bar, or the cocktails – but I saw no shortage of alcohol.

      "Poorly signposted"? We had a map in our programmes! A clearly drawn, unambiguous map. Besides, with so many venues and events, I'm not sure how useful signs alone would have been – knowing you're in the "Garden of Love Excessive" is useless without knowing what's going to happen there, and when.

      I'm sorry you didn't enjoy yourself, but you won't make it better by lying on the Tab!

      • Don't agree

        The alcohol situation was aweful. The bar by the main stage, although well stocked as I entered the ball, within an hour or so had run out of glasses and queues were forming- not what you expect when the drinks being served are cheap spirits and mixers! Before long that same bar had completely run out of mixers.

        And I'm pretty sure that the cocktails and vodka luge just didn't exist- either that or they were hidden away somewhere or only lasted for a short amount of time?

        Yes, the salmon was nice, as were the crepes, but other aspects were completely terrible- who thought of putting a pizza stand (who were only capable of providing dry, disgusting food) in the first court guests enter into? Not a good first impression!

        Also, did you forget that the ball was going to be at night time? Because it would seem that lighting was completely overlooked, especially in the "garden of paradise". The small amount of lighting which was employed was of poor taste and generally looked tacky.

        Finally, within a few hours of opening the ball was littered with broken glass and rubbish, especially the cheese area! It was frankly disgusting!

        I really do struggle to see how the committee spent £130 per guest, and also how the Tab article writers can give such a positive review for what was clearly a poorly organised event!

      • Spot the

        Committee Member

        (PS you gave it away when you used 'we')

        • Moriarty

          One deduction too far, Sherlock.

          As a guest, I had a map in my programme. So did the other guests in theirs. So "we had a map in our programmes" suggests only that "Gruntled" attended the ball.

          Which he'd already told us.

          • darwin

            by our programmes they could mean the programmes we had made

            • Mathmo

              Yes, they could. But it's wrong to make that deduction.
              We call that "necessary but not sufficient". There exist people who would say "our programmes" who are not committee members (ie the set of committee members is a proper subset of the set of ballgoers).

    • Also Disgruntled

      The Ents variety was shocking. Aside from a few actual bands (The Klezbians were excellent at 4am), the music was just dull singer-songwriters and mind-numbingly repetitive DJs. Clare's Ents are supposed to be brilliant and this year's team should be ashamed.

    • really?

      "terrible presentation of cheese and crackers?"

  • Disappointed guest

    I don't honestly know how in all good conscience you can give the food and drink 4 stars. Having been to the hawks event on Friday which is £50, you expect to notice a step up between the two, which quite frankly wasn't there. The only difference between the food at was that at Clare there was a doughnut stall. The drinks were equally bad, with the two bars employing a club system of making drinks on demand, rather than continually making drinks available for people to take. This meant that unless you happened to be at the bar during a lull in activity the experience was similar to cindies.
    After midnight it got to the point where due to a lack of vodka, so gin was being used as a substitute. There was also nowhere (obvious at least) to obtain energy drinks without queuing at the bar for ten minutes.

    The biggest problem was however the lighting, with most places being too dark making it impossible to find friends or spot where people were sitting. The opposite problem arose in the gardens where two LED spotlights were directed at eye level, making it too bright to recognise anyone.

    I've been to June events and much cheaper balls that would have put this to shame. A generous 4/10

    • Delighted Hawk

      Pineapple based cocktails would have solved these problems, and many more

  • Clareite

    I reckon that review of DJ Fresh is totally unfair. You can't deny the band got the crowd going, and it was obviously the biggest headliner in Cambridge this year. What more do you want?!

    • Obvious Answer

      Um, The Feeling?

      • Non Caian

        Or Rizzle Kicks. Or Pixie Lott.

        • or even

          kelis (everyone forgets she has milkshake, trick me, acapella and bounce, which is more his than the others)

    • Disgruntled

      Or a cheap, fun, washed out band who everyone knows and can dance along to some cheese (Vengaboys) and then you have some money to spend on a ball.

  • Ball Boy

    I'm aware that May Ball experiences are subjective but this is taking the piss. Ignoring the fact that this entire article is written in an infuriatingly self-aggrandising way, I fundamentally disagree with pretty much every point you make.

    The savory food (pizza, bbq & cold meats and cheeses) was lacking in variety and was generally pretty average. The drinks were weak and took a long time to get, meaning I was sober for the whole ball and so was painfully aware that there was nothing to do. And on top of this the whole ball was shrouded in darkness. The only redeeming part of the night was the way DJ Fresh managed to get the crowd going – even though I went in only knowing a couple of his songs I enjoyed the whole set.

  • 4th year

    More reviewing and less pointlessly eloquent descriptions of flowing gowns please. I am here to compare Jesus and Clare to see if I made the right choice so I can gloat in the faces of my friends who did not.

    • The answer

      You made the right choice by going to Jesus

    • Congratulations!

      You made the right choice going to Jesus!

  • the truth

    I am poorly represented in this article

  • literally swimming?

    i doubt it

  • D. Alighieri

    This is a very strange review.

  • Ben

    This ball was run by a bunch of cretins who couldn't organize a piss up in a brewery. Truly rubbish from start to finish.

  • Maggie

    Clare fights on. Clare fights to win.

  • Guest

    If you couldnt be arsed to get someone to write a proper article should have just said so.

  • probablyamcqueen

    Here is a list of things that are worth £135 pounds exactly:
    Panasonic SZ1EB compact camera
    Category C tickets to 100m Final at 2012
    A happy ending massage with Ranya
    The handset price of an iPhone 4s on numerous £30/month contracts

    Here is a list of things which are not worth £135 and were an absolute moist prawn:
    Clare May Ball

  • Observer

    DJ Fresh was the bloke on keyboards. The guy shouting 'Jump!' was an MC. Clue's in the name.

  • Imjustsaying

    When a ball review has 4 mentions of smoked salmon you know something's fishy

  • 1/5

    Review of Tab reviews this week:
    Boring, subjective, and hurried. This one in particular is pretentious shite.

  • Inferno?

    I wanted more serpents. And giants. And general Dantean fun. There wasn't.

    • That isn't fair…

      Somebody had written that one line everyone knows in very small letters on some stairs.

  • Pseuds Corner

    "…as the lady at the smoothie stand playfully teases together bananas and kiwis aplenty; very much the tropical apothecary to all over our wearies."

  • Sidneyite

    According to the Tab and its commenters at least, it sounds like everything's been average-to-disappointing so far, which is pretty unusual.

    S'ALL ABOUT SIDNEYYYY TONIGHT!! #mymilkshakebringsalltheboystotheyard

  • Common Sense

    You don't have to go to Cambridge to realise that one poorly-staffed (4 people) and under-supplied bar cannot serve drinks to 500 people at the main stage. I tried so hard to get drunk but for the life of me all I could find readily poured was cider that tasted more ashtray than apples.

  • Anya

    I thought the coffee boys were lovely…queue was long-ish but only because everyone was desperate for warm drinks as the chill set in and the music failed to kick off. Best hot chocolate I've had in years!

    X

  • Damp Squid

    I misspoke

  • Johnsbridge Megalad

    Ello! ello! ello! Any more silly questions? I went to Clare May Ball with a few of the garçons. Sick night – can't remember any of it though, which is probably for the best because it sounds like it was a really shit May Ball. Before I got there I'd already chopped an LBC, 10 Buds and a bottle of Port so I was steaming. The lads said I was great value though, so pleased to hear I was on top form. Anyway, having chundered on the centrepiece apparently I then chopped more face and pissed all over the main stage while Clare's terrible main act was boring the place dry. Rating = 1/10. Went to the Johnsbridge Ball too, which was sick. A few of the boysies helped set up the dodgems, which was great bant. Big Davey P chundered again – still feeling rough after the night before; apart from that though, nothing happened and we celebrated a job well done with a session, 777 at the college bar. Ad gladium, JM x peace out

  • Clareite

    I think you 'disgruntled' people need to get some perspective. I go to Clare, and I know that practically every committee member has totally sacrificed their degree this year, just so you guys can have a good ball. I was walking through college at 5PM on Tuesday, and they were still cleaning up, apparently they hadn't slept for 48 hours. It's so so easy for to sit there behind a computer screen and criticise. But before you do, just realise how much hard work has gone into doing this. As far as I'm concerned, their hard work paid off. If you feel differently, then I expect you'll be signing up to run the Ball next year? But then I guess most of you won't do that. You'll probably just click the thumbs down button or have a go at me for having some appreciation for others.

    • yes but

      i don't think appreciation for others comes under the 135 pound pricetag

    • Missing The Point

      People aren't criticising the effort, they are criticising the outcome. Nobody cares how much time people have spent if the result is shit. Effort does not compensate for criminal incompetence.

      If you'd gone to anything else this May Week you'd know that Clare was £130 thoroughly wasted.

    • Clarerite 2

      We know they worked very hard but the fact is I've spent a lot of money on something that really was not worth it. They had all year to work on making this ball great and previous committees have been populated by stressed finalists who were still able to pull off an incredible night.

      The whole thing was obviously not planned properly – they were setting up the bar at 4pm on the day of the ball. Even the committee members were still decorating the gardens while the VIP reception had already started and the gates were due to open within two hours. I've honestly never seen another committee so chaotic at the last minute.

      And yes Clareite I would sign up next year if I could if I weren't leaving this year to help ensure this never happens again. I do appreciate the committee and I know some of them quite well but at the end of the day I am paying for what promised to be an amazing evening and it simply didn't deliver. If you buy a service, ticket or product etc you have a right to complain about the results whether it is run by stressed students or a corporation. You can be the nicest and most hard-working committee or indiviudal in the world but people still have a right to complain when they have parted with their money and feel let down.

  • Rip Off

    As a fourth and final year Clare student this my last and, by a long distance, worst May Ball.

    There was truly nothing to do, I cannot begin to see where my £130 has gone.

    As a vegetarian the food choice was absolutely dire, the only savoury food I found was margherita pizza, a couple of burgers and a bit of cheese with bread.

    Never saw the fabled mojitos, whisky tasting needed a bigger area in which we could hear the distiller speak.

    Putting a giant cage in the great hall for the Ceilidh band, while aesthetically pleasing, was moronic…. The ceilidh is normally packed even with the full hall and so cutting that in half is just insane.

    Also who the hell is DJ fresh, what happened to the days when Clare could get Feeder and Faithless to a ball???

    I would not have been willing to pay more than £50 for the ball had I known how completely terrible it would be.

    • What About The

      Smoked salmon? Apparently it made one's sense buds germinate.

  • Clare Finalist

    I really wish they had made more of the Dante theme. In 2010 the ball was themed Scheherazade and had fire dancers, belly dancers, a mechanical bull , camels parading up the queue etc. In 2011, the Alice in Wonderland theme had actors in costume as the evil queen, jugglers entertaining in the queue and a tea cup and saucer ride. In both these themes the food reflected the theme also ie- there was morrocan food in 2010. Although Dante might be a difficult theme to innovate on in terms of food, why not something simple like red vodka jelly in 'hell'? It just didn't quite feel like the whole thing fitted together.

    This time there was no queue entertainment, only one food stand which everyone ignored because they had waited so long. The majority of people had also never heard of DJ Fresh. The worse thing was that it was built up as a major act – I was expecting the standard of previous years and was quite disapointed by the email announcing the act.

    I was still sober at 1am due to queues. They even served vodka and cream (yuck) on the bar near the stage. The coffee stand was poor too; a queue that stretched back to the bridge with two people serving. And I couldn't even get into the hall during the entire ball because it had reached maximum capacity due to the enormous cage inside.

    However – chocolate fountain, champagne jelly, sweet stall, doughnuts and hog roast were supplied really well. I just wish they had managed to go a little further with the theme and created the same spectacle as previous years!

  • Clare Finalist

    I really wish they had made more of the Dante theme. In 2010 the ball was themed Scheherazade and had fire dancers, belly dancers, a mechanical bull , camels parading up the queue etc. In 2011, the Alice in Wonderland theme had actors in costume as the evil queen, jugglers entertaining in the queue and a tea cup and saucer ride. In both these themes the food reflected the theme also ie- there was morrocan food in 2010. Although Dante might be a difficult theme to innovate on in terms of food, why not something simple like red vodka jelly in 'hell'? It just didn't quite feel like the whole thing fitted together.__This time there was no queue entertainment, only one food stand which everyone ignored because they had waited so long. The majority of people had also never heard of DJ Fresh. The worse thing was that it was built up as a major act – I was expecting the standard of previous years and was quite disapointed by the email announcing the act.__I was still sober at 1am due to queues. They even served vodka and cream (yuck) on the bar near the stage. The coffee stand was poor too, a queue that stretched back to the bridge with two people serving. And I couldn't even get into the hall during the entire ball because it had reached maximum capacity due to the enormous cage inside.__However – chocolate fountain, champagne jelly, sweet stall, doughnuts and hog roast were supplied really well. I just wish they had managed to go a little further with the theme and created the same spectacle as previous years!

  • Off the bandwagon

    Having been to several balls over the last 7 years, and having been at most balls this year at least for a bit, and half the night at Clare, it seems to be getting a really harsh treatment to me.

    Headline acts at may balls are typically one of two types, either older groups that are a bit past their prime (e.g. Vengaboys or faithless) or up and coming stuff (e.g. Florence and the machine or snow patrol). Clare have done exceptionally well to get the acts they have in the last 2/3 years, and I think that the fact that most of you are complaining about having a top current DJ play a live set is more showing that you have been spoilt recently than anything else.

    Having sampled a lot of may ball burgers this week, I can say that the bacon and cheese burgers at Clare were a big highlight for me. Veggie wise I can't really comment though.

    Im not saying it was exceptional for a may ball, but it was certainly of a standard with all the others I've been to. If you didn't think this was worth the money, don't go next year, I have plenty of friends who would love to have your ticket.

  • oi

    that t shirt is too much

    • Lol

      That t-shirt is a 10 deep t-shirt, if you knew anything they’re an expensive brand!

      • joshhalstead

        How does that matter?

      • oi1

        I said nothing about the price. Its a jokes t-shirt.
        also if you’re going to take what I said literally ; expensive = too much

  • harrison gow

    Cringe!

  • asd

    such boring journalism

    • Phil Edgerson

      “journalism”

  • bird

    House is not edgy

  • Anon

    What a load of absolute bollocks

  • al

    This article is a rancid pile of grossly uninformed, culturally regressive, philistine garbage.

    Sounds like someone in a wind breaker laughed at the author who scuttled off home, had a bit of a cry, and then decided to launch an ill thought out rant at a lazy stereotype (already heavily propagated in The Tab) that he simply hasn’t bothered taking the necessary time to understand.

    The Tab, in constantly publishing embarrassing articles such as this, makes me pretty ashamed to call myself a student.

    • Hi Al

      You should be ashamed

    • Interested in subcultures

      Teach me about this stereotype Al, I’m so eager to learn

    • Jack

      Don’t cry bro

  • Al

    More sh*t from the tab

  • Tom Kaye

    This is the biggest load of phillistine rubbish I’ve ever seen. Shameful

  • SA

    I dont even go to Manchester but find this article hilarious. Some of the people commenting on here really need to cheer up, captured the ‘stereotype’ perfectly and clearly written in a satirical sense.

    • SA dont know shit

      incorrect

    • TabLover420

      Same and couldnt agree more. People who are bashing this article are the saville-esque shell suit wearing dweebs who had Flo Rida as most played in their itunes

      • TabLover420

        ….in first year

  • JMcSweeney

    Agree with the sentiment, but the tab is running articles like a bad re-hash of old vice satire (which itself is boring and played out). Not particularly funny or eye-opening after the 100th article about house music cliques.

  • Stewart

    Yet another terrible article. I can’t fathom your thought process by posting such drivel. Even if you believe that you are being satirical (which I personally find your not) and thus playing off the stereotypical ‘house monkey’ image it’s a shoddy piece of ‘journalism’.

    I’m sure you thoroughly enjoy your standard night, and your standard clothes. Where everything sounds the same and everyone looks the same. However some like to broaden their horizons and experience other music and fashion.

    Many of these ‘house monkeys’ in fact may choose such attire due to charity shops and vintage sales being affordable, unlike Abercrombie and Fitch or which ever other mass manufactured boring clothing range you stated. Meaning they don’t have to sponge off mummy and daddy. They also may choose to take in different music than the latest pop song that has been churned out by a corporation, with a generic song make up and the view to sell as much as possible, ignoring actually making decent music.

    Ignoring the fact this article comes across ignorant and un humourous it’s not well wrote.

    • Mrs Bop

      don’t cry about it

      • lol

        lol ‘mrs bop’

    • sb

      haha please tell me ‘it’s not well wrote’ is a joke?

    • Dont cry about it mate

      To be fair most of these house monkeys that I’ve met come from the poshest parts of London with mummy and daddy owning some castle in a far away place. So what you’re saying is utter bullsh*t to be honest. Can’t you take a f*cking joke mate? If we can’t make fun of each other, what humour is there?

      • Stewart is a baby

        spot on la

    • Lvt

      Do you mean, “it’s not well written”?

      • Ryan

        For a bunch of critics claiming that the article is written with such hilarious satire, how could you possibly fail to recognise the irony of his mis-spelling in an otherwise eloquently written comment? It’s clearly intentional!

        • naaaah but…

          there’s a lot of other mistakes as well mate. i think he’s just thick

    • michael

      you mad bro?

    • Simon

      You are so different and out there!

      • stop

        Now now Simon, no need to be abusive.

        Stewart has is opinion and you have yours…

    • 4DALUVOFHAUS

      Have you ever been to Size?

    • joshhalstead

      “Well wrote” ?!

    • ApparationOfTheInternet

      >over-privileged university attending hipsters
      >not sponging off mummy and daddy
      >Error

    • Joe

      *well written

    • you’re wrong stewart

      sorry stewart but you are incorrect-whatever the journalistic calibre of the article the thrust is true. ‘hipsters’ are all the same as each other-go to shoreditch and point out one genuinely individual person who doesn’t look the same as at least 12 others on the street. Also these days vintage shops are literally as expensive as all the rest.

    • James

      *written You colossal ponse.

  • fawawfasfw

    a narrow minded and pretentious article written by a narrow minded pretentious cunt

    • Bizzle

      you’re a cunt

  • Dikteren

    This is basically how every so-called ‘fashionable’ Manchester students looks like.

  • Sheila

    Spot on with the majority of manchester “edgy” house types. Obv a lot of people are getting butthurt about this article cus it describes them perfectly !

  • Ajn

    I think this article kind of misses the point of vintage clothing as a recycling concept. If trends are recycled then why should clothes not be too? A lot of clothes nowadays are cheap and almost made to throw away, quality lasts. Furthermore the more clothes that are recycled the less energy is used to produce new. Along with this there is also an moral obligation not to support bands like hollister (part of a&f)

    http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/culture/2013/06/fitch-the-homeless-viral-video-karber.html

    No wonder ur getting laughed at for that t-shirt mate. But hey according to Mike Jefferies ur a cool kid already so why bother changing it…

    BUT of course we can’t expect students writing for the tab to have even considered anything beyond trying to make fun of the house music scene and it’s followers for their own overinflated sense of self importance. I hope wherever u are Toby that you are sat feeling smug in your too-small-over-priced-walking-advert tee enjoying your 12 jäger bombs to axwell’s latest “banger”…Or am I just stereotyping now?

  • Jay

    You shouldn’t be allowed to own a computer if that’s the only kind of uninformed bile you can spew out.

  • James Bond

    I’m in neither of these groups, but it literally seems to “my culture is better than yours”. I found it quite funny, but without using satirical journalism, the crowd you’re mocking laughs at the stereotype of that stupid haircut, the hollister top and those fucking vile trainers he’s got on.

  • Seymour Butts

    This author comes across has an embittered Luddite. This is the umpteenth tirade on popular culture the Tab has frivolously churned out. Your post-post-ironic sthick is about as funny and clever as a poke in the eye. It’s old hat and just downright embarrassing.

    • LikeTotally

      Everything about the fucking article is wrong.

    • gratanj

      Fuck me, have you just found your dads thesaurus?

    • Ed

      Do you even know what a Luddite is ? Because you are using it in the completely wrong context in an attempt to sound intelligent when in fact you come across as the same pretentious d-bags this article has written about. Having lived in Nottingham for over 4 years I have seen a fair number of these twats ruin some of my favourite nights out. This is because instead of people enjoying the music they’re more interested in looking cool and to be honest I’m sick and tired of fucking 2nd year students hopping on bandwagons where the genres have existed for years but yet still claim as if they have come across the genre like the first caveman discovered fire. (Takes a deep breath, rant is over)

      • Seymour Butts

        In a broad sense, it means someone who is unwilling to embrace change, in this instance, the proliferation of house music. If people want to jump onto said bandwagon, let them, otherwise you just sound like an elitist prick with a bloated sense of entitlement. House music is in vogue, lots of people like it and lots of people dress the same, get over it.

  • Rich

    I cant believe how enraged some people are becoming over this article! Obviously hit a nerve!

    • Sal

      Maybe ‘enraged’ becoz it is sad to see young people with such crass and traditionalist attitudes towards culture.

      • Haha

        Lol Sal

  • Harry Buchanan

    How to conform to conformers for dummies

  • the king

    coming from a leeds student this is true bore off stewat

  • maas

    Are you joking? Fuck the clothes, fuck the hair, give them eccies! Manchester needs to learn from Glasgow. Clubbing is about love for the music and the people on the dance floor with you, nothing else.

    • glasweigan manc

      Oh how ignorant that is

  • House Gorilla

    Can’t believe I wore my Hollister hoody to WHP… no wonder I was getting so many funny looks… It’ll be TK Maxx in future for me.

  • HeSaid

    Such a shite article, you`re telling people to follow a certain style, don`t listen to this crap, wear what you want, and be happy, because to be fair as long your happy then everything`s fine. As sad as I may sound it`s so very true that all what is needed for a good day is a happy head. ManchesterNaNaNa

  • JLT

    For everyone slagging off the writer, how many people do you know who by the time they have finished their first year at uni have started wearing the attire described in the article? this naturally comes with a far greater knowledge of underground music than 12 months prior and often lead’s to taking yourself too seriously and pretending like you never once in your life enjoyed listening to Swedish House Mafia. The article is making fun of all this, nothing to get stressed about.

    P.s please do not make me laugh by suggesting students are buying clothes from charity shop’s to save money as their number one reason for doing so, its fashionable and its cool, saving money is a massive bonus.

    • sam

      yes but it is an easy, cliche and regurgitated subject, that has been particularly poorly written.

  • Anon

    So you bash ‘hipsters’ who judge others at house raves by judging the hipsters themselves? All seems a bit hypocritical…

  • good

    what if people are doing these things because they feel more comfortable in it and enjoy it? always has to be a conscious decision ey. so is it I wear hollister to show people I’m wearing hollister.

  • Guest

    This is the worst thing ive ever read……lighting is all over the place for pics too.

    • Hi

      Dalvir

  • Dalvir Bobby Bhullar

    This is the worst thing i’ve ever read, lighting is all over the place in the pictures too.

  • datplymouthdude

    hahahah this was funny always preferred em jungle nights tho

  • oosh

    House is shit, I like them trainers.

  • Chap

    Haha fucking goats, this article is wrote for goats by a fucking goat!

  • hater

    total drivvle

  • Nigel Aston

    Spot on for Jess bacon, she looks just like this ;)

  • Dosomeresearch

    not to just be a dick, but im afraid i have to be blunt, this article is not only poorly written, but completely untrue, house nights can be pretty accommodating, everyone is off their ass MDMA, their too busy hugging you to laugh at you threads. Also there is no real stereotype house monkey, i have dread locks and wear hareem pants, and i rock up to a fair amount of house nights looking as is. Unfortunately you will probably get alot of journalism work. ..for the daily mail

    • Sherk

      Not to just be a dick, but before you slate something before being ‘poorly written’ maybe consider your own:

      They’re, not their

  • James

    the people that are taking this so seriously completely validate this article

  • James

    A ‘step-by-step’ guide to becoming a house music monkey’
    Just forgets to tell you where to go, probably the most important thing.
    Poor article.

  • Mr Brightside

    I actually think this article is pretty funny. You’ve nailed the stereotype so well. A lot of people say that this is stupid stereotyping but the fact is that it is 100% true, and anyone who actually goes to these nights (myself included) will know this. I see myself as part of this culture, its a mindset of both fashion and music and yes it can be a little ridiculous some times so I enjoy how this article highlights that.
    People are always posting about how the Tab has frivolous articles – its a light-hearted student news paper. Thats not to say it shouldn’t cover serious news but I actually really enjoy these fun, easy to read articles which add a little amusement to your day. I mean if it doesn’t do the articles you want why do you read them? or indeed the Tab? Go read the Daily Mail for all those doomsayer articles

  • AW

    The only thing worse than this article is the grammar used in it. I hope Toby Parkes isnt hoping for a career in journalism. Yet another ‘anti-house’ article by the tab, boring now

  • Tom T

    guy looks like asian Morrissey

  • Edward Maurice

    This desperate shoot for post-irony undoubtedly comes from a pathetic group of conformers who have been so shunned by a cultural group that they now attempt to satire it.

    A) The looks exhibited belong to 2009 in the girl’s case, and 2010 in the boy’s case. The author’s assumption that these trends are somehow the ‘uniform’, and that they have not since moved on, serves only to demonstrate how grossly out of touch they are with the subject matter.

    B) “‘House’ nights”, this terminology couldn’t be any more unclear. Does anyone even still go to house nights? Was it deep house? Tech house? Ghetto House? Funky?

    The aesthetic shown in the pictures is more akin to the type of person you see going to a UK Bass night. But I am highly unsurprised that the author’s ‘research’ hasn’t ferreted out that little particular.

    Lastly, I don’t think any self-respecting, clique-aggrandizing, arrogant, judgemental, social-fascist ‘Hipster’ like myself would be seen dead at a ‘house’ night. The world has moved on. The cool kids have all segued off to trap, techno and disco.

    Enjoy prancing around to Julio Bashmore in me and my friend’s 2012’s-offcuts as though you’ve just reinvented rave.

    If that, for you, is an ‘edgy, individual’ university experience, then jheez that is sad.

    Get on my level, culturally.

    • al

      Perfect.

      • joshhalstead

        I think this is satire al…

    • Jimmy Page

      Sick culture mate, best culture mate, bless culture mate, wish I had your cultural prowess mate, teach me about culture mate.

  • ed

    as a regular of house nights annd guilty of things in this article i find it rather tickling to my humour.

  • Horatio

    Boring. Some people like house music, some don’t. Some people wear different clothes than other people. What do you want? Everyone to conform and be the same. Fuck off

  • Hugh Parsons

    Toby Parkes is an ignorant cunt.

  • Hugh Parsons

    Hey Hey Wagwan. If House ain’t for you get on down to stevie. Its the bang bang!

  • swedger

    this literally sums me up, bar the tiedye t-shirts haha. genuinely hilarious article :’)

  • TB

    The main reason people go to house nights is because they prefer the music and people there, not because they want to be ‘edgy’ and stereotype others. The good thing about house nights is that there is a lack of “lads” like this author there, judging other people on the exact same thing, like they have in this article. Such a hypocritical and bullshit article, some people need to find a hobby instead of criticising everyone else

  • Jordan

    All other genres of music are shit you are all jealous of deep house because its so popular I mean I have loved deep house ever since MK invented it a year ago

  • Theres no D in me… not yet..

    People slammin’ chart music yet its the most popular hence the fact its called pop music, if you dont wanna be mainstream, dont dress like anyone, be different. whats the point in dressing in a particular way? dress in what suits you.

  • Bilbo Baggins

    Such ill-informed, smart-arsery assuming that everyone wore brands like Hollister before attending Uni and listened to Pop music by default. Yeah fair enough it’s your article, you’re voicing your opinion (I’m doing the same here) but this is overtly inaccurate. You’ve merely pulled out a few stereotypical examples of people that aren’t all that clued in to ‘being edgy’ and amplified it amongst anyone who enjoys house music or wearing sports trainers/clothes. There’s more to individualism than your own snide remarks, sir.

  • gsdft

    if you actually go to good nights where ppl care about music ppl aren’t judgemental dickheads. or youre just too insecure and think everyones judging you when most ppl don’t give a fuck. this was boring

  • Ryan Heath

    10/10

  • me

    Hilarious!