Jesus Jokers In Eton Mess

A trio of Jesus students are in a sticky situation after posing as Etonian applicants.

Three Jesus students have posed as applicants from Eton in a bid to frighten interviewees. 

The second year students entered the Marshall room dressed in suits and made outrageous claims to sixth formers waiting for their interviews.

According to Tab sources, the pranksters suggested only pupils from public schools had a chance of getting into the college.

Invigilators in the Marshall room, which was being used as the interview waiting room, soon realised what the students were up to and informed the college authorities.

As a result Dr Geoff Parks, the Senior Tutor at Jesus, released this statement:

“Three undergraduate members of Jesus College caused a disturbance in the area where a number of applicants were waiting for interview. This disturbance was cut short by the prompt intervention of other undergraduates who were acting as helpers during the interview process.

The College condemns this stupidity. The Dean of College is investigating the incident and will in due course decide what disciplinary action is appropriate.

Applicants will not be disadvantaged as a result of this incident.”

Student reaction has been mixed. This Facebook status, which was leaked to The Tab, received 158 likes, suggesting that many see a funny side to the prank.





But one Jesus fresher, who asked to remain anonymous, told us: “I can’t believe anyone would want to shake up applicants like that. They were in the same position once.”

Members of the college have suggested that the consequences of the incident itself aren’t particularly damaging – there would only have been around ten applicants in the Marshall room at any one time.

The intent of the action is perhaps of more concern to the college, along with the possibility that applicants might use the incident as an excuse for poor performance in interview – possibly with good reason.

The incident is likely to be a source of great embarrassment to the University, which has tried hard to dispel myths of anti-state school bias.

More to follow.

  • Fucking hell

    This is outrageous.

    • Actually

      Anyone who saw what happened would realise that they were quite clearly just taking the piss and that there was absolutely no effect on the admissions process whatsoever. Accusations of "shak[ing] up the applicants" are total bollocks.

      • True.

        Agree, I bet this comments section is full of applicants. No article would normally get that many comments/ratings outside of term.

    • Whodunnit



    At church I was always taught that Jesus accepts everyone.

  • Reader

    Initially funny until you realize you are messing with some kid's future.

  • Neutral Witnesses

    Why was I not questioned about the events?

    • because

      you're a cunt

  • This report

    is based entirely on a facebook status.

    • thetab


    • And

      a comment from the Senior Tutor, and a student

  • outrageous

    but ultimately hillarious

    • misspelt

      and ultimately wrong

      • I think you'll find

        you mean 'misspelled'

        • actually

          both are correct

  • think before you act

    reminiscent of the royal prank played last week that was only a 'joke'. people's futures and aspirations should not be played with like this by unthinking arseholes

    • erm

      they are kind of different, the royal prank had a very low chance of affecting any individuals so adversely, this very easily could have affected a few individuals' live

  • What complete


  • Facebook status…?

    Pretty sure that was a post in 'Overheard at Cambridge' rather than a facebook status. Also it doesn't mention that they went into a interview waiting room and actively tried to put off genuine candidates, so I don't think it's at all representative of whether people found this outrageous (and harmful) prank funny or not.

    • Also,

      Reading something on a public Facebook page is not receiving a "leak", Tab.

  • etonians

    are twats though

  • RSA

    Outrageous. The best solution would be to give applicants the choice to re-interview, IF they think the incident affected their performance.

  • In fairness

    cracking headline!

  • Overheard in Camb

    Serious matter, but isn't all this infomation from that one post quoted above as a 'status'? At least get some factual sources Tab.

    • you are deluded

      if you think the tab run news stories from one facebook post

    • No.

      The quotes from Jesus College officials weren't in the facebook post. This story clearly expands upon the original facebook post.

  • But

    its just banter

  • such


  • S.I.Ext

    Gaawwww. But it was funny.

  • Daily Mail

    Classic reporting as always

  • might be true story

    the incident has reached the Independent, who probably do check their sources – it's the main story in their education section

    • might not be

      Have you read the Independent article? The only source they seem to have checked is The Tab

  • think before you act

    That is a stupid comparison. This prank causes direct harm to the interviewees and to the reputation of the University; the 'royal prank' could not have been expected to cause anyone any harm, apart from a bit of embarrassment on the part of a few people in the hospital. The results of that prank were completely unforeseeable; this one was much more malicious.

  • bigdogginnit

    Apparently the prank was done in a way that made it obvious they were joking. As long as that's true it shouldn't be a problem

  • Etonians

    Why are they all pricks?

  • Phoebe

    'Only ten students' are ten students whose lives could be changed by not getting in if this effected it.

    • XYZYX


    • affected,

      not effected

    • Is Cambridge

      really life changing?

  • voice of reason

    well, it is not a nice thing to do, but it is quite funny, and it is a free country. So, unless there were an explicit rule against posing as an applicant, then these pranksters have no case to answer. Of course, if they had made the risible claims about state-school applicants' prospects in the capacity of an officially designated steward or representative, that would have been a serious matter.

  • Byron

    I don't see why people are getting so worked up about this. If they were pretending to be interviewees it's not like they would be taken seriously by other interviewees. If on the other hand they said they were current second year students and in their first hand experience only students from the independent sector were accepted, then surely that would have carried more gravitas?

  • Who the fuck

    has so much spare time on their hands that they PUT ON SUITS and intimidate teenagers for shits and giggles.

    • Term had ended…


  • Anon

    I was an interviewee in the Marshall Room at the time. There were only 3 of us in there. It was quite funny, but it surprised me that such immature nonces actually got in. It certainly didn't shake me up at all. It left me rather bemused.

    • A nonce

      is a sex offender. don't think they committed any sex offences.

  • Anonymous

    What about COY?

  • Man slaughter

    COY is waaaaaaaay worse than Mechu

    • CB

      It’s not though is it.

  • Mez

    I wholeheartedly disagree.. Mechu is a charming little joint boasting sophistication with a splash of informality. It really encompasses what it means to be young and fly. One of the best nights of my life was when Ollie Craig let me face-fuck him…ughhh I would be lying if i said it didn’t touch me spiritually and emotionally, in ways I can’t even fathom. Shout out to my mum. Shes always been der 4 me, fru fik and fin.. fik and fucking fin x

  • Library Whore

    The amount of bitter people on here is ridiculous. I’ve been to 3 COY’s and they’ve all been sick. How anyone can say their nights are bad is beyond me. Must be the people there smiling or having fun that others hate. There isn’t a WORSE night, cos people have different tastes. Just try them for yourself, if you like them, you’ll keep going, regardless of what people say.

    • Fab ticket please

      Completely agree

    • cringe

      Every time COY crops up in the comments, a not-so subtle promoter for them pipes up with this bollocks. COY is toss.

      • Snore

        And who do you think writes these coy comments, a not so subtle competitor promo company hahaha. its all bollocks. just go where you want

  • Fab ticket please

    I know it’s fun and easy to hate on stuff, but people like different things. My fave nights are Vodbull, fab, COY and seedy. That’s just my preference. I like Vodbull cos no one gives a toss, fab cos all my mates are there, COY cos im seeing parts of brum I never new existed and it’s a nice crowd (btw how can anyone can say this is a bad night when I’m pretty sure the night changes each time), and seedy cos of the music. Again just my preference.

  • …..

    I don’t understand why this exists. House fans will say pop world sucks while people who hate people wearing blazers will say Mechu sucks. Admittedly fab is amazing and loved by all but I also love seedy and COY cos all my friends love them too.

  • Cunts,

    cunts everywhere

  • Steve

    yeah, its true. He is banned but not sure for what. I would imagine that is was for being a total douchebag though.

  • Blah

    Will Amott – Did you write this because you are banned from Mechu for being a total douchbag?

  • Jacob Masters

    Maxi’s is the furthest thing from dodgy, best Dim Sum you’ll get in Leeds.

  • Alex Pollock

    The Mine is great, me and my ponytail love Disclosure and Rudimental! #housemusic

  • -

    What a responsible article for the Tab to publish, where drugs are depicted as relaxing and/or happiness-inducing and alcohol (which as you so astutely observed, is legal) is made to sound altogether worse. Don’t think it quite tells the full story does it? You do an amazingly good job of playing the devil’s advocate for someone who ‘certainly doesn’t condone illegal drug use in any way’.

    • Look At The Evidence

      It’s completely correct, though. Alcohol IS altogether worse. Pointing out the facts doesn’t mean he’s encouraging it.

    • Not a stubstance abuser

      Perfectly put. Good article in the sense it opens a discussion worth having, but don’t pretend it’s more noble to take drugs than drink alcohol. This article doesn’t do much by way of neutral arguments. I sense a drug user amongst us

  • Substance abuser

    I love drugs and alcohol. this is a wonderful article.

  • meth addict

    this article is common sense to any reasonable person.

    if you got into university and are still unable to see how alcohol is more of a harmful drug than most of the criminalised ones, then chances are you’re a massive cunt and this article won’t change anything.

    • J. Pinkman

      100% agree

  • finally

    What a well argued, engaging and provoking article. I only smoke weed myself, and like the idea of the “third night” described, but I am fucking tired of the drunkards who hold themselves in such a high regard, regardless of their disgusting sexual actions on a boozy night out. Well done mate

  • ., Pidgeon

    Vom why is Bristol full so many pigeons #shouldhavegonetodurham

  • Guest

    I think you brand everyone who likes to get drunk as a so called ‘rugby lad’ with this article. Yes, I take your point that drunk people can be violent and crass, but there are also plenty (I would suggest a majority) of individuals who can get drunk and still act normally, having a good time on a night out, meeting new people and generally having the same experience as the one you describe in the introduction to your article, just without the use of pills. There is plenty wrong with drinking culture, but to judge it by its weakest member is not fair. Equally, if I were to stereotype drug users as shivering in the corner of a grim house party at 8am, pale white and unable to speak it would not be representative drug users as a whole.

    • Yawn

      What a boring comment.

      • STFU

        Let me guess, you do drugs? Aren’t you just the coolest?!

  • Wiseman

    Nothing is wrong with smoking up every other week. Personally, I prefer drinking but smoking up once in a while is chill too

    • STFU

      You ‘smoke up,’ and it’s ‘chill’? You must be so cool. I’d advise you post as ‘Coolguy’ rather than ‘Wiseman’ from now on – it suits you.

  • ReAlTaLk

    This article is completely true in every way. Drugs = An enjoyable night, a friendly attitude to strangers, and a trouble free-considerate crowd most of the time (exceptions ofcourse). Whereas alcohol almost exclusively leads to a bad night, aggression/stupidity/unfriendly attitudes, rowdy crowds and fights. I know that I’d much rather be in a room full of people on MDMA than Vodka . .

    • STFU

      Sounds like you hang out with the wrong people

  • Anon

    Hard research facts, in particular from those like David Nutt, show that alcohol has actually been deemed the most harmful drug to the individuals and to others. Not only does the harm to yourself need to be taken into consideration, but almost more importantly, the harm to others. In fact, the harm to others score associated with alcohol is over double that of heroin, the most dangerous of the illegal drugs. Of course in no way am I suggesting that heroin, or even the other two most dangerous of illegal drugs, crack cocaine and methamphetamine are less dangerous than alcohol, purely due to their high dependence levels. However, those drugs are not the ones in discussion here. Further down the list of harmful drugs is cannabis, of which a lot of the harm caused to the individual is due to the tobacco used to smoke cannabis with. Cannabis can be used in a much more healthy way, such as with vaporisers and cooked into food. Even further down the list of harm caused by drugs (17th) is Ecstacy (MDMA). Some of the original uses for MDMA included therapeutic roles in a clinical setting, increasing patients’ capacity for therapeutic introspection. Its therapeutic potential for post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety associated with cancer and addiction are currently being tested through clinical trials. The harm caused by MDMA / Ecstasy can often be put down to it being a ‘dodgy batch’, so being cut with much more harmful, cheaper substances. This problem would obviously be eliminated if the substance was legal. Of course the psychological affects of both cannabis and MDMA need to be considered, but as with everything in life, moderation needs to be kept in mind. Writing this currently on a ‘come-down’, something that can be avoided with enough sleep, water and healthy food, I can certainly say I feel much better than any day after a night of drinking. I am someone who enjoys the occasional hash joint, a night out taking some MDMA to enhance my enjoyment of music, or some drinks socialising with friends, and am someone who has taken all three of these things too far on occasion. However, the results of drinking too much are far more horrendous than those of taking MDMA and smoking cannabis. The full extent to this ongoing argument has barely been touched on here obviously, and what more could be said is about hospital admissions, addictiveness, and crime related to each. All of these substances can be enjoyed responsibly and what needs to be emphasised is the correct education about drugs, directed particularly at young teenagers.

  • Titus B

    This article is so ‘I’ve gone to unayyy and taken drugs and now my eyes are open and they’re so much better than a standard night out’. People who haven’t taken drugs will always have the perception that its a stupid thing to do and rightly so. And most drug users have that perception initially too before they’ve given in and tried something. I’m sure there’s a pretty high chance the author of this article would have had a similar view before he got to university bar weed.

  • Ben

    “it causes a higher number of fatalities” – Alcohol and Tobacco kill more than most recreational drugs like MDMA.

  • You don’t know anything

    Hahahaha neither ‘majestic casual’ nor ‘marabou state’ is really house music you moron. House music is all about the grooves, not the “monotonous beats”. Clearly whoever wrote this article does not know house music. it does have unfortunate affiliations with hipsters and red stripe and MDMA, but they’re not true house fans (most just want to get high). I have been in Motion for 8 hours straight, sober and loved it. I love house music, theres nothing quite like it.

    • sam

      Hook us up with some recommendations of real house music then…

  • who do think you are

    just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean other people are lying when they say they do..

  • Hmm

    A ‘massive conspiracy’ led by nightclub owners and djs to dupe the innocent clubber out of their money…could a simpler explanation be that some people enjoy house and you just happen not to?

  • Joe

    This was clearly written by a fucking square.

  • The Pinger-breadman


  • jon snerrrr

    house music goes hand in hand with mdma. Try that then get back to me

  • Rizzle Pricks

    Put your crackers in your nans handbag and tell her one’s vagina whiffs of discount salmon terrine’s and dandruff. Gotta catch em all. Pokemon.

  • Thiss

    I stopped reading this when I noted that your knowledge/experience of a safe source for House being Majestic…

  • u wot m8

    Tab once again manages to pull out a rubbish opinion piece.
    The answer to your question is obviously “Yes, people like it.”
    If you don’t stop going to parties that play it and drink your sambuca somewhere else.

  • Majestic Mike (aka the Roth)

    This article is blasphemy

  • JT

    this has to be THE WORST article I have ever read. absolutely no research done and not the slightest clue as to what real house music is all about. the writer is a class A nobber!

  • Lord of the Pings


  • David

    no need to slag off an entire genre of music just because you’re too ignorant / lazy to dig a bit deeper than the majestic channel on youtube.

  • really?

    I thought you were meant to research something before you write about it……

  • dave

    Ekin… take off the berkinstocks, remove your head from your ass, TAKE A SHOWER and put some deodorant on…… and then you can tell me about how your hippy, folk, drum circle crap is soooooo much more soulful and helps you connect to mother earth. Music is subjective, stay in school and try to not be so judgmental…… NAZIs were judgmental, don’t be a NAZI

  • jmh

    by far some of the worst ‘journalism’ i have EVER read

  • Sace

    This is how people who really, like house, drum & bass, jungle, garage etc etc feel about every commercial night ever made. To be honest, I wish all the people that have suddenly decided that they love house would go back to their commercial nights and stop killing good nights for people that actually want to be there. I thank you hahaha

  • Sace

    ‘your edgiest mate’ hahhahahahaha

  • Alex de Lacey

    3 paragraphs mate? Come on. And for the record, I really like house. It’s not a load of monotonous beats, and I’ve never followed the majestic channel.

  • geezer

    It’s cuz u not on mandy bruv

  • BuffaloSoulja

    Preach on my son. I wouldn’t go as far as to say all House is shit, and that there are not people out there who genuinely enjoy it, but yes – a shit ton of people have no idea and just listen to it to appear edgy and cool. When actually that’s lame as fuck, although most people can’t see pass it.

  • not a mug

    Shouldnt have been drinking if you were driving then you tart

  • Maybe ask for ur knickers bk

    hahahaha one of the nicest men ‘slimes’ hahahhaha jesus christ. This is the guy who chased a mugger who stole his phone, then gave him a fiver cos he said he was poor. Grow up love

  • tom

    good interview ^ ^ ^ ?

  • Cunt Observer

    Hiding behind an anonymous name…brave of you

  • Cunt Oberver

    Sorry everyone I was too busy missing the irony of my comment to realise I’m actually a cunt

  • Dave

    Witty one there you moronic cunt

  • Bruno

    Cos he didn’t. At all. We lost ticket money. Saying stuf like that just shows urself to b a dick. Money and cost of event had to b covered. Anything extra was given to us (i was part of the team holding money bukets). Getting money off the sports teams was a mess cos some didn’t want to pay pound extra. Get ur facts straight.

  • Sue Perkins

    You, you Mel cunt

  • LOL

    As if illicit drug use doesn’t cause psychological problems either