Drinking Soc Secrets Revealed

The Tab

Think all drinking society guys are wankers? Let’s dispel some myths.

The Tab has been fortunate enough to acquire a number of leaked swap debriefs, allegedly written by the president of one of Cambridge’s most notorious drinking societies.

Who’d have thought they’d be such a pleasant bunch?

The quotes below are taken from a variety of these debriefs. The Tab has chosen to withhold the identity of the drinking society involved. No comments attempting to reveal the identity of the society will be approved.

 

Our mystery society on…

 

Restaurant etiquette:

“We wasted no time chopping our wine and showering their table with all manner of naan, sauces, cutlery and rice from the swap on the third table.”

“Ratman sprung to his feet and launched his wine glass straight for him. It smashed against the wall, inches above ****’s head, shattering all over the table, food and people. As Danger Ratman was hauled out in a headlock, I wrestled with the waiter trying to remove him and was myself shoved out by his two mates who piled into the ruck.”

 

Toilets:

“As is becoming customary, we also made serious work of both the gents’ and females’ toilets. The usual piss-showering was coupled this week by one of the boys, who hauled the both the hand-drier and sink clean off the wall, with Sir Rat applying the finishing fly-kick required to sever the pipe. He would later virtuously warn the manager that “some unruly chaps on the Selwyn table” had caused some despicable damage in the gents’.”

“On a trip to the toilets, I noticed that there was a 2-inch-deep pool of piss on the toilet floor, flooding out into the corridor, which I waded through to piss onto the sink and windowsill. On my second visit, I didn’t even attempt to enter the room, instead holding the door open with one hand and, without stepping into the room, pissing in the general direction of the bathroom.”

“The silver lining was that the toilets had been very nicely done up, giving us some lovely new surfaces/sink/drying facilities to piss and vom at.”

 

Post-Swap fun:

“After the swap, we picked up booze and did the customary trip to a Downing girl’s room. There, the ‘getting naked’ theme continued and I have some vivid memories of a proud *** and Sir Rat, hands on hips, completely naked, as well as some enjoyable lap dances and forceful removal of the fit topless girls’ bras.”

“At one point, Sir Rat and I found a big sports bag in the corridor outside the room which looked to offer some amusement. Having removed the entire contents and strewn it around the corridor and landing, we bundled Sir Rat into the bag, zipped it up and charged back in with the sack. The girls were initially horrified that we were “throwing *****’s hockey kit around,” but this was heightened when a particularly rough throw of the bag saw a semi-naked Sir Rat tumble out, ripping the bag and its zip completely.”

“Someone then discovered the devastation outside the room, which, further to the shit all over the corridor, included a toilet which had been well and truly treated. There was piss up the walls, on the mirror, over various tampons and other packets on the side; and a mug of toothbrushes next to the sink which was full to the brim with our regal juice by the time of our ejection.”

 

The role of women in society:

“The ladies were on good form; they had the decency to be highly attractive and even provided a physical fight amongst themselves at one point for our entertainment.”

 

Why fighting is a bad idea:

“Sir Rat gashed his knuckles on someone’s teeth; the lad he was punching in the face had the audacity to open his mouth slightly before impact.”

“A sobbing girl, who it turned out had been caught with a bit of friendly fire (a punch to the head) during the brawl, was furiously accusing [one of the members] of hitting her and getting her dweeb-ish mates to come and square up to the paralytic student (who was far too drunk to have thrown any punches).”

 

The morning after:

“I awoke this afternoon with a surprising amount of glass shards embedded in my head, arms and hands. What had begun innocuously swiftly got out of control, as is the tendency with our nights, and today has been another day of remonstration and apologies.”

 

Priorities:

“I handed in my first essay of the term this afternoon. Word count was 1,593.

Debrief word count: 1,823.”

  • Paranoid Android

    So they get drunk, and do stupid shit… who woulda thunk it?

    • The 13th Disciple

      There is no way this is all true – our debriefs are always massively exaggerated and stuff made up!

    • The one thing funnier than this…

      Are all the people who are outraged at this as if it is real!! Clearly not! I’m sure a lot of “lads” in Cambridge would like to believe they did this sort of stuff though!!

      • Realist

        If these “lads” did half of this stuff we’d hear about it! It’s all rubbish to make them sound cool and rowdy!

  • Oh dear

    what a shame

    • Anonymous

      Most of this is obviously made up and extremely exaggerated. We do debriefs too and most of the content is made up events!

  • Stupid Article

    all this is going to do is give the DM ammo

    • Shocked

      I don’t think it’s a bad thing that this is reported. We all know lots of people in drinking societies are cunts, but I, for one, didn’t realise the scale. We’re talking serious vandalism, assault and sexual abuse, all talked about as somethin to be proud of. They deserve to be outed, both in the University and nationally, even if that does mean the DM get involved.

      Frankly, part of me wants this guys name out there so that he’ll never get a job – if he wasn’t a Cambridge student, but was a working 20 year old who did this on a saturday night he’d probably get jailed!

  • lol

    some of the stuff is pretty funny though

    • really?

      just sounds like pointless vandalism to me

    • kong

      I agree. I chuckled at several points reading this. I’m surprised that so many people failed to find this amusing.

  • hahahaaa

    bet whoever wrote these must be squirming right now. So embarrassing.

  • What

    a cunch of bunts.

  • who

    wrote this?

  • finally

    after all the faux-intellectual bullshit in the Tab we get this. Cambridge is actually making me proud for once. Keep at it lads

    • Ex-student

      This is what drinking socs in cambridge wish they were like but if any actually were we’d know!!

  • What

    cunts.

  • Oh my God

    This is fucking hilarious! I really want to be like these guys!

  • Why write this

    anonymously?

  • Posh boy

    On what planet is half of this stuff OK?

    By all means go, get drunk, throw food about, pull, get naked, the works. I’ve done all of the above. But this kind of vandalism is ridiculous. Trashing the toilets purely for the sake of it? Don’t know if it’s ever penetrated into the minds of these crybabies, but it’s people’s livelihoods they’re destroying. Because they want to show what big deals they are. Want to ask all the staff who are on £7 a night what they thought about the hilarity of “Machine” ripping the hair dryer off the wall?

    Yeah, this’ll give the DM ammo. Fire away, DM. I hope they at least expose a few of the arseholes in the process rather than tarring us all with the same brush.

    Whoever you are, grow the fuck up.

    • not

      a good enough excuse to use the word penetrated…

      • Cantab

        Do you not think we’d have heard if girls were getting assualted and restaurants getting trashed?? These mugs wouldn’t just be let off and left to brag about it! They’re just macho idiots trying to be BNOCs!

        • Tab Insider

          I know for a fact that several instances of assault took place in a certain restaurant last term which the Tab knew about. In each of these situations the victim, a girl, was contacted and asked the paper not to publish. The Tab would never publish a story about a person being assaulted if they had asked it not to be reported.

          There was also an occassion last year when a college threatened to expel two members of a drinking society if details of their indiscretions (which included incidents very much like those mentioned above, though less extreme) got into the press. The Tab found out about this, and decided that the impact on the students (who had already been punished by the college but would have had their punishments made harsher if it had gone public) would have been too extreme to publish.

          Don’t be naive and think that the truth always gets out. It takes the perpetrators being complete idiots (like this) for it to come out.

  • Voice of reason

    Whilst the behaviour of these boys is extremely inappropriate, why on earth would you publish such an article? We all know the DM are going to get a hold of this and have a field day and all it is going to do is drag Cambridge’s name through the gutter. You must really be a sad, spiteful person to have published such an article given the obvious repercussions.

    • No

      How can you think it’s okay for actions such as these (including criminal damage, I might add) to be swept under the carpet? So what if the DM love it, perhaps by getting onto it they might actually be publishing something near to the truth for once.

      • The problem

        The Daily Mail will see the anonymity as ‘proof’ that this is in fact how 100% of Cambridge students behave.

        • The root of the problem

          The Daily Mail is a shit paper.

  • About time

    Loving this. Cambridge doesn’t suck so much after all

  • This Is Actually

    Fucking Appalling

    • This is Actually

      Definitely made up – quite clearly!!

  • Please please

    name and shame this society, so I can avoid future contact and keep my possessions piss-and vomit-free. And you wonder why people think there’s a problem with sexism and elitism at Cambridge?!!?

    • But

      Couldn’t it be any of them?

  • Double standards

    This is completely ridiculous- most of what is described in the work of common criminals. I doubt many of the perpetrators would have any qualms about decrying the common criminality of ‘CHAVs’ and ‘Pikeys’, but what they do, because naturally they go to Cambridge, and so are innately a better class of human, is just banter. I would love to see these people exposed and up in front of a magistrate answering for their disgusting behaviour.

    • FYI

      the “better class of human” bit is down to IQ.

  • Chances of…

    … All these quotations being made up to create a story attract readers?

  • Surely

    This is a joke?

    • Exactly

      This must be made up, right? Right?

  • Anyone else

    Think ‘the rat’ appearing in every other comment means they’ve interviewed about 2 people. Who judging by the degrees of vandalism claimed without it making the newspapers are probably lying

  • Cmon Tab

    Name and shame

  • I’m sorry

    how do you even know this is true? Could so easily be elaborated. If this were true, it would obviously not have been let slip

  • I smell

    The Rat

  • Drinking societies

    Can you please name them so that the rest of us don’t get tarred with the same brush? This stuff is ridiculous, either made up or a bunch of cunts.

    • Definitely

      Made up… our debriefs have loads of stuff made up… no way this is true!

      • Drinking Societies

        Agree but I don’t really understand how you can fabricate/exagerate ripping a hand-drier off the wall- you either do or you don’t

  • LOL

    hahahaha ‘voice of reason’, you are a bellend

  • Am I

    The only one who thinks this is heavily embellished?

  • recluse #008398

    You’re making me sad by informing me of things I missed out on from my university experience.

  • Angry Drink Soc man

    Not gonna lie, it’s these *unts that give decent folk a bad name… All I wanna do is go on a swap, have a decent curry, enjoy a bottle of rose, get naked and then head home. I don’t tear stuff off walls and don’t see the point in such frivolity!

  • Man Up

    If you’re going to write an article like this, then at least have the balls to do it properly and reveal names.

  • Clearly

    Embellished.

  • Certain

    This is exaggeration! In the same way that guys ham up stories they tell to each other, these ‘debriefs’ will be half-truths magnified by posers.

  • Disinterested

    Boring. And using foul language to criticise foul behaviour doesn’t really help. Get a grip of yourselves.

  • I highly doubt

    much, if any, of this is true. Even if it is based on true events it is definitely over-exaggerated for effect

  • Glad to see

    that everyone is taking this as an entirely factual article. Even if every word was true and nothing was embellished this is still clearly the absolute worst examples of their behaviour over a long period of time. Obviously, this doesn’t make it any more acceptable but the article should be taken with a pinch of salt.

    • But

      doesn’t a general willingness to accept this as fact suggest that people can quite easily believe this stuff would happen on an average swap? And therefore that people who go on swaps really are all such massive twats?

  • tony blair

    what a fucking outrage

  • David Attenborough

    This is just not good enough. If i find these pricks, I will personally let an elephant trample on them and kill them.

    • Point of Information

      David Attenborough was a ‘drinking society wanker’.

      • true story

        i saw him see away a pint of wine out of his shoe

  • james haskell

    some people are gents. these people are not

    • The Gents.

      are an extremely exclusive bunch. I doubt that you’d have made the cut.

  • suggestion

    no one go on a swap with these people ever

    • mmmm…

      At least they sound interesting… although it’s clearly fiction to get readers!

  • Benedict XVI

    It is in indignation at the above activities that I tender my resignation.

  • Dr Harold Shipman

    even i am appalled

  • NELSON MANDELA

    i will fuck these people up

  • its sad

    some think they have to fabricate this stories/debriefs to fuel their ‘lads’ status. couldnt possibly believe 90% of this is real, particularly the vandalism which would’ve obviously been reported!

  • A. Hitler

    I approve of these fine gentlemen’s actions.

  • Daily Mail

    I just came

  • Suggestion…

    Even if you don’t name them on here, I really hope that the tab will pass their details on to the police. Cambridge students are not above the law, and these people deserve to be investigated for their criminal vandalism, among other things. It’s disgusting.

  • Shoddy journalism

    Surely what The Tab should have done is call up the restaurants that swaps go to (it’s a small town, after all) or even the police to ask whether any such vandalism occurred or has been reported? Just publishing this stuff without any evidence that it actually happened destroys any credibility that the piece might have. If all this stuff did happen on swaps, then it’s appalling – which means The Tab surely should have found out all the details, and should have compiled evidence of these claims, so that the people who were on these swaps could be named, shamed, and brought to account. They shouldn’t have just rushed out these claims for shock value, they need to be investigated.

  • Guys, chill out

    I really think this is ironic humour or embellishment. Even for Cam drinking socs this just isn’t believable.

  • What is

    a debrief? Do they all meet up the next day to fill each other in and so on?

    • LAD

      A series of emails will usually be exchanged mid-afternoon with a personal recollection of the evening’s event for those too inebriated to remember.

      • Insider

        This society sends a weekly email written by one member round a list of alumni and current members.

  • “forceful removal of the fit topless girls’ bras”

    oh dear.

    This all just sounds like something from Sun Sex and Suspicious Parents… not Cambridge UNI!

  • Look…

    “The ladies were on good form; they had the decency to be highly attractive and even provided a physical fight amongst themselves at one point for our entertainment.”
    …..
    Anyone who believes there are girls beating each other up is clearly stupid!

    I think this is what a lot of guys drinking societies WOULD LIKE to happen, but then there’s a big thing called REALITY!!

    • just pointing it out

      ‘Anyone who believes there are girls beating each other up is clearly stupid!’… jelly wrestling anyone?

    • Because

      girls never fight? Bit of a bold claim.

  • FUCK

    DRINKING SOCIETIES

  • reverse

    The main reason that names aren’t being included probably has something to with the fact that making claims against libel insurance (even if you eventually win), increases the premium.

    They don’t need to make something like this up, and would be daft of them to do so. Making something up with such easily checked facts in it would be found out and would never have gotten past the editor, who wouldn’t risk both his standing and that of the paper for a few thousand hits, when you can get circa 40 for something like bumps alone.

    In short, you can try and kid yourself that it would be made up, that people wouldn’t act in such a way, but by far the most rational conclusion is that it’s true.

  • as if

    this is real

  • A voice crying in the wilderness

    Part of the laddishness of being in a drinking society comes from ego. It’s a miracle these fellas can fit into a curry house with their egos being so big, but they manage to do so. The evenings revolve around boosting your own egos, either by acting a boss or taking the piss out of someone else. Ostensibly, this egocentrism manifests itself as strongly the next day, when the debrief is written up, and activities are EXAGGERATED. I doubt if any of this stuff is entirely true – yes they are idiots but surely intelligent enough not to enter into the most extreme examples of this.

  • This Is

    Obviously testosterone-fuelled lies and embellishments, and it’s upsetting that it’s vaguely realistic enough that people think it’s all true. This is the tragic logical conclusion of a culture that does exist in Cambridge.

    Please can we go back to talking about vegetarianism and faith and stuff?

    • Scoopy McScoop

      Why would we talk about abstract concepts like faith when we can talk about the concrete realities of this absolutely disgusting behaviour?

      It’s funny watching the consistent thread of ‘this isn’t real’ comments pop up, clearly written by a desperate huddle of those involved to try and cover the reality of their actions.

      In conclusion, you’re cunts.

  • A suggestion

    Many likeable people are in drinking societies…maybe if more people thought about it, and chose not to be involved, drinking society culture would be eradicated and the wankers would have no events to go to.

  • This is

    not fake. Police please tab.

  • average cantab

    the real problem here isn’t with the behaviour of people in drinking societies in general; or with a few ‘lads’ who give others a bad name; or with the way the tab likes to stir things up; or with the people who click on an article about drinking society secrets, knowing that they’ll get the thrill of simulatneous titillation and righteous indignation; or with me, or with cambridge, or with anything about wider university culture.

    the problem is with the daily mail. they’re evil and i hate them.

  • Dweeb-ish mates

    As dweebs, we have prepared a brief statement:

    All of the events at the curry house did occur. We can confirm they were a bunch of twats. We did not start on them.

    No further comments.

  • We know who you are

    We know who you aaaaaare
    Majority of the Tab readership
    We know who you are.

    • curious?

      Is that a football chant?

  • z

    “forceful removal of the fit topless girls’ bras” isn’t at all funny. it’s pretty fucking horrible.

  • MASSIVE LAAAAAAAAAAAAA…

    Twats.

  • Drinker

    I’m part of this drinking society… This is all exaggerated… heavily… good entertainment though!

  • How do

    you remove a topless girl’s bra?

  • Anonymous

    everyone moaning is just mad jelly they’re not included

  • Well…

    I posted a comment saying who I reckon wrote this and why, but it wasn’t published… so I’m guessing it is indeed fake.

    THOUGHT POLICE.

    • did you read the top?

      no comments attempting to reveal identities will be approved. but nice try

      • Orwell

        NINETEENEIGHTYFOUR

  • Why was this removed

    And put back again?

    • Because

      it’s not true but The Tab are getting lots of hits off it

  • Topless girl

    This happened.

  • voice of reason

    voice of reason here, not the cretin posting under “Voice of reason” above.

    I am appalled at this behaviour. If anybody thinks it is funny or cool, they are probably not intelligent enough to be studying here.

    In response to “Tab Insider”, I think The Tab should reveal the names of the perpetrators, objections from one victim notwithstanding (although by all means preserve the anonymity of said victim). This is a serious matter with many more victims (and as I have said before in relation to Assange) part of the purpose of prosecution/reprimand is to protect the whole of society. The victim should have no right to veto this, and the Tab should be ashamed of itself for consenting to being gagged. As for the two people who might get rusticated if the Tab reveals their names, well I reckon they probably deserve to be rusticated. It is not up to the Tab to decide that what they did is alright, that is for the Dean or Senior Tutor or whatever to determine.

    So Tab, I urge you to reveal all, or at least allow others to do so in the comments section. If the victim who requested that the perpetrators be protected is reading this, I urge you to think about all the other people these monsters are bullying, and that your actions are preventing them from being brought to account.

    • Time to..

      Grow up.

    • John Witherow

      What makes you think these people are still at the university? – there is no idication of when these “debriefs” were made… this is old news and nobody cares.

      What a made up bunch of poorly researched and executed journalism picked up by the tab to get hits and some recognition of their shoddy journalism from mainstream papers so their writers can try make a name for themselves on Fleet Street. Who ever wrote this and whichever editor allowed this to be published I hope never works for the mainstream press as you clearly have no skill or integrity as journalists. There is already enough of this in journalism today.

      • Inspector Clouseau

        No prizes for guessing which society you’re a part of…

  • Nevergetslaid

    Guess some have you have never been taught in an Engineering department…

  • Street Thug

    Manz bred half his lecturers

    and wot?

  • ThanksfortheEasterAssignments

    We all know who the inappropriate flirt is in NUBS

  • John

    sounds like bullshit stats, I don’t know anyone who has had sexual contact with a lecturer

  • Not even a mathmo

    “Now a survey has revealed two thirds of us have flirted with our lecturers”

    “Respondents were asked whether or not, during their time at uni so far, they had felt any sexual attraction toward a lecturer – and over half said yes.
    Of the respondents that confessed their sexual attraction, 61% also admitted to indulging in “flirtatious behaviour” with their desired lecturer”

    So 60% of 50% of a sample with a heavy selection bias… Not quite the 2/3 advertised…

  • hmm

    The questionnaire was taken by members of ShagAtUni. … broad demographic you’ve got there.

  • Standard rubbish

    A shit article parroting a shit survey.

    • Ms Freud

      You seem to be parroting shit on both sides of that sentence loool

  • Learn some maths

    Absolute nonsense statistics.

  • Ms Freud

    Why are people banging on about stats… It’s not meant to be an essay… Enjoy content guys… Students and lecturers getting it on… Thoughts on that? Is it that lecturer is hot or do they get higher grades? That would explain Sussex high grades! Joke joke

  • Armin Grunbacher

    Line ‘em up and I’ll fuck em!

  • Jen

    if this is supposed to be a funny article, it didnt need a mocking reference to Jesus or a picture of a mural of an IRA hunger striker.

    • riprobertsands&georgebest

      bet you’re fun at parties

  • Angry EX-tab reader

    This is an absolute disgrace. How does this make Liverpool and the university look and how do you think this makes Christians feel? It’s disrespectful and extremely ignorant. Imagine the uproar with a similarly themed article being posted on Ramadan with blasphemous reference to Allah? Not acceptable.

  • George Southern

    Lol if you think you’re a real stoner writing lame articles like this?

  • CompSci

    I hear that

  • Ed LOLiband

    You’ve definitely got a case of TABerculosis!!!

  • herp

    Do you mean Hitler or Columbine?

  • anon

    Both actually

  • thetab

    Disagree. Why not put your name on your comment and show the world how brave you are?

  • BenKing

    If it’s so shit why are you voluntarily reading it?

  • http://www.facebook.com/clh.hilary Hilary Lok-Héi Chow

    Disagree. It’s great for what it is.