Think all drinking society guys are wankers? Let’s dispel some myths.
The Tab has been fortunate enough to acquire a number of leaked swap debriefs, allegedly written by the president of one of Cambridge’s most notorious drinking societies.
Who’d have thought they’d be such a pleasant bunch?
The quotes below are taken from a variety of these debriefs. The Tab has chosen to withhold the identity of the drinking society involved. No comments attempting to reveal the identity of the society will be approved.
Our mystery society on…
“We wasted no time chopping our wine and showering their table with all manner of naan, sauces, cutlery and rice from the swap on the third table.”
“Ratman sprung to his feet and launched his wine glass straight for him. It smashed against the wall, inches above ****’s head, shattering all over the table, food and people. As Danger Ratman was hauled out in a headlock, I wrestled with the waiter trying to remove him and was myself shoved out by his two mates who piled into the ruck.”
“As is becoming customary, we also made serious work of both the gents’ and females’ toilets. The usual piss-showering was coupled this week by one of the boys, who hauled the both the hand-drier and sink clean off the wall, with Sir Rat applying the finishing fly-kick required to sever the pipe. He would later virtuously warn the manager that “some unruly chaps on the Selwyn table” had caused some despicable damage in the gents’.”
“On a trip to the toilets, I noticed that there was a 2-inch-deep pool of piss on the toilet floor, flooding out into the corridor, which I waded through to piss onto the sink and windowsill. On my second visit, I didn’t even attempt to enter the room, instead holding the door open with one hand and, without stepping into the room, pissing in the general direction of the bathroom.”
“The silver lining was that the toilets had been very nicely done up, giving us some lovely new surfaces/sink/drying facilities to piss and vom at.”
“After the swap, we picked up booze and did the customary trip to a Downing girl’s room. There, the ‘getting naked’ theme continued and I have some vivid memories of a proud *** and Sir Rat, hands on hips, completely naked, as well as some enjoyable lap dances and forceful removal of the fit topless girls’ bras.”
“At one point, Sir Rat and I found a big sports bag in the corridor outside the room which looked to offer some amusement. Having removed the entire contents and strewn it around the corridor and landing, we bundled Sir Rat into the bag, zipped it up and charged back in with the sack. The girls were initially horrified that we were “throwing *****’s hockey kit around,” but this was heightened when a particularly rough throw of the bag saw a semi-naked Sir Rat tumble out, ripping the bag and its zip completely.”
“Someone then discovered the devastation outside the room, which, further to the shit all over the corridor, included a toilet which had been well and truly treated. There was piss up the walls, on the mirror, over various tampons and other packets on the side; and a mug of toothbrushes next to the sink which was full to the brim with our regal juice by the time of our ejection.”
The role of women in society:
“The ladies were on good form; they had the decency to be highly attractive and even provided a physical fight amongst themselves at one point for our entertainment.”
Why fighting is a bad idea:
“Sir Rat gashed his knuckles on someone’s teeth; the lad he was punching in the face had the audacity to open his mouth slightly before impact.”
“A sobbing girl, who it turned out had been caught with a bit of friendly fire (a punch to the head) during the brawl, was furiously accusing [one of the members] of hitting her and getting her dweeb-ish mates to come and square up to the paralytic student (who was far too drunk to have thrown any punches).”
The morning after:
“I awoke this afternoon with a surprising amount of glass shards embedded in my head, arms and hands. What had begun innocuously swiftly got out of control, as is the tendency with our nights, and today has been another day of remonstration and apologies.”
“I handed in my first essay of the term this afternoon. Word count was 1,593.
Debrief word count: 1,823.”