Cambridge students in uproar at Marine Le Pen’s invitation to speak at the Cambridge Union.
WARNING – THIS ARTICLE MAY OFFEND THOSE WITH PATHETICALLY WEAK SENSIBILITIES.
The student community in Cambridge is furious at the right to free speech being granted to a foreign politician whose views don’t align with the bastion of morality that is British politics. According to the latest polls, not a single man, woman, or child in the country is either approving of the invitation or indifferent to it.
Pointing out the possibility of offending anyone who usually has an epileptic fit at the use of the word (if you are an epileptic, look away now) ‘fascist’, CUSU claims that David Cameron’s suggestion of revoking Le Pen’s passport won’t be sufficient punishment for her insolence. Nor will inseminating her with Nicholas Cage’s sperm. In an exclusive interview, an anonymous source within the Student Union sensibly suggested that the necessary thing to do is “Fight fire with fire, and treat her how a fascist government would treat an ethnic minority! She doesn’t deserve liberal treatment!”
Upon her arrival, a series of street marches, protests, parades, carnivals, flash mobs, exhibitionist gatherings, orgies, robberies, devised pieces by EDE students and public shootings are scheduled to take place, for very obvious reasons. Le Pen will then be imprisoned and executed under the Immigration Act of 1971, Sexual Offences Act of 2003, or the Treason Act of 1351 (or any other legal bill, depending on the whim of whatever appropriately-viewed judge is chosen for her condemnation). The possibility of reinstating the pre-1861 death sentence for homosexuals and then making bogus allegations against Le Pen has not been ruled out as an emergency measure.
There have been rumours circulating over the past few days of an emergency meeting of the world’s Christian leaders to discuss the legality of revoking Marine Le Pen’s right to possess a similar name to the Holy Virgin, and the potential use of loopholes to circumvent legal challenges. Pope Benedict XVI has announced his return to his position after declaring that this controversy in Cambridge was “a sign that he was still needed for spiritual guidance”. In contrast, the former Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, revealed he was “fucking glad” to have resigned before “this shit-storm hit the moral fabric of our society”.
Available for interview after a surprise return to the spotlight is Jesus Christ himself, who felt that this was the perfect time for his second coming:
“Looking at what’s happening in the Cambridge Union, I realised just how in need of me these people were. My return to Earth was never necessary until now. I’m sure the Middle East will sort itself out eventually.”
Also coming back from the dead are Winston Churchill, Mahatma Gandhi, every Dalai Lama to have lived, and Nick Clegg’s high approval ratings, which were all discovered turning in their graves soon after the announcement of the Union speakers were made.
Two students, Jen and Eric, taking a break from making Molotov cocktails, were available for comment. Speaking in perfect unison, they expressed their fear that their intellectual conformity was being put at risk:
“The Union usually chooses such appropriate speakers for our traditionally left-leaning university. What do they think they’re doing, inviting someone whose opinions I might not agree with? I’ll just get confused. Since when do the Union think they have the right to provoke debate?”
In other news, this Marine got off bloody lightly, considering she shares the same name: