Sex, Drugs and Secrets – Former Queens’ Porter dishes dirt on Cambridge

Alex Davis

We expose a former Deputy Head Porter at Queens’ who is behind a blog recounting salacious tales of student sex and drug taking.

Lucy Brazier, who writes under the pseudonym ‘Porter Girl’, writes a semi-fictionalised account of life at ‘Old College’ based on her experiences.

In the blog, she:

  • Brands Cambridge students “the over-pampered educated classes”
  • Admits to rummaging through students belongings
  • Accuses one Queens’ student of using extra-small condoms

One post from December 2013, mysteriously entitled ‘An Uninvited Guest’, has proven highly controversial, particularly because of an explicit threat towards a student.

Ms. Brazier tells how she was sent to search the room of a student caught smoking cannabis.

She recounts how being “naturally nosey” meant she “loved sorting through the mundane personal effects of others.”

The brazen Ms. Brazier even goes on to share personal details of the student making him easily identifiable.

She writes:

“The student in question (a 19 year old white male with the obligatory floppy fringe, retreating jaw line and over-fed mid-drift).”

“He is ashamed of his sexual conquests. How do I know all this? I’ve read his essays. I’ve seen his cheque book. I have found his secret stash of used condoms and their wrappers! I shudder to think what he will eventually grow into. The over-pampered educated classes of our society are a real worry.

Having failed to find any drugs, Ms. Brazier finds an “illegal immigrant” in the form of a pet hamster, called Murray.  From here, the tone darkens, the student is threatened and the post ends on a highly inappropriate note:

““If you don’t want Murray passed into the custody of The Master’s Cat I suggest you find somewhere outside of College to smoke your weed.” I take a breath and look into his eyes. Cocky little bastard.”

““I’m serious. If I hear your name in College again I’m feeding Murray to the fucking cat. Stay out of the Porter’s way.””

“For both of the incidents of copulation he has engaged in since the start of term, he has used extra small condoms. Killing Murray is one thing, destroying his opportunity of sexual gratification for his entire student life is quite another. I feel confident he will pose no further problems.”

rsz_lucy-tiff-queens-for-pops (1)

Lucy Brazier left her job as Deputy Head Porter at Queens’ last year

When approached by The Tab, the student in question, who insisted upon remaining anonymous, appeared unperturbed.

He said: “I really don’t care. If she wants to have a bit of fun embellishing stories then fine.”

“I don’t want my name linked to this at all though, it’s very googleable and (I) am looking for jobs so (it) would be far from ideal being associated with drug use, even more so considering I was simply smoking a cigarette.”

So how much is this story based on truth? A post from January 2014 suggests “the earlier blogs are all completely, totally true” and that “the characters themselves were of course inspired by the real people I met and worked with.”

However, speaking on the phone, Ms. Brazier was keen to point out her posts don’t “necessarily relate to anything that really happened in real life.”

She also denied finding the extra small condoms, suggesting they are “clearly for entertainment purposes” adding “I don’t know the condom sizes of any of the students.”

“A lot of it is just fictional really but based on previous experiences I’ve had throughout life and so it doesn’t necessarily relate to anything that really happened in real life.”

“It’s just a sort of parody of things I heard students get up to and what have you.”

porter girl

The name’s Girl, Porter Girl.

When contacted by The Tab, the Dean of Queens’, Dr Martin Dixon refused to comment stating, “The College does not discuss any matter relating to its staff or students.”

Best bits

Breaks into Queens’ College Old Library to discover “a whole pile of human bones” were found under the Porter’s Lodge (What the Professor Said- Jan 28, 2014)

Presents the Dean as narrow-minded: “Thirst for knowledge? In a College servant? Are you mad?” (Jan 8, 2014- A Reasonable Explanation)

Speaks with wisdom: “Students are prone to overindulgence of drink and sometimes drugs. Some are also prone to depression, brought on by the stress of heavy workloads and pressure to perform well in their chosen subject”. (Jan 6, 2014- Spooky!)

Describes her head post-hangover as having a “family of Mexicans living in it.” (Nov 17, 2013-The Committee for the Prevention of Drunken Behaviour)

Describes the ‘Chair of the Student Union’ as “a youth who looks about twelve and bares a striking resemblance to Harry Potter” and a “geeky demi-God”. (Nov 17, 2013-The Committee for the Prevention of Drunken Behaviour)

Has Ms. Brazier gone too far with her blog or is it all just fun and games? 

  • Can no-one

    in this godforsaken city get it right: it’s Queens’. Not hard!

  • Seriously.

    Outing people who write anonymously doesn’t make this story interesting – it makes you a cunt.

    • Good for the Tab

      She shouldn’t be sharing a lot of this stuff anyway.

    • actually

      she’s hardly anonymous about it – it’s pretty obvious who she is and who she’s writing about

      • Urgh

        Even if it’s fictionalised then she ought to make that clear. As it stands it sounds like a ‘searing expose’. Half of which is either bollocks or shows her to be a borderline masochist.

  • MMLer

    “over-fed mid-drift”? It should be “overfed midriff”, surely?

  • erm

    Haven’t you already done an interview with her?

  • Neil
  • But

    Surely if she’s effectively going to expose students in her semi-made up stories, she doesn’t deserve to be left alone behind a veil of anonymity herself? Her former employers may also wish to have a word.

    • Realist

      What veil? Her name is even written here

  • MDG

    Fuck off bitch. I’m chair of the CUS next term.

    • Nick Wright

      And I’m the VP next year!

  • Just saying

    She clearly has a massive power trip. Her job isn’t to make the students’ lives difficult – being rude and threatening is out of order, and posting made up stories about them is verging on slanderous.

    • Robert

      libelous surely

  • burn the witch

    Students smoke pot, what a surprise. You have to be deranged to think that this kind of slander is an acceptable response for a supposed adult. Apparently she used to be a police officer too, say hello to the kind of pigs we have patrolling our streets.

    • Anon

      She was a PCSO, another form of people with self-inflated egos who think they are bigger than they are. Should have seen that coming.

  • Disgusted

    Anonymity is not necessary for her writing; it doesn’t protect anyone or ensure the validity of what she says. If anything it does the exact opposite; allows her to hide while she spits bile. Make an effort to actually get to know the students, rather than bullying and patronising them, and you might be pleasantly surprised by them. Sure, some of us /are/ posh, privileged twats, but a haircut and a bit of a paunch doesn’t validate your prejudice and prejudgement, you waste of space.
    To quote Tab’s previous interview with Ms. Brazier, when asked about whether portering is a natural step from policing, “[Yes]…Unless you’re one of those power trippy cops who’s just going to bully the students…” – sounds like she found her perfect calling then.
    A complete piece of work (and everything that is wrong with a mercifully small subset of porters and college staff) – I hope she never finds work anywhere near the University Precinct ever again. Good fucking riddance.

    • Also have to question the validity of making somebody who has never even set foot in a Cambridge College before a Deputy Head Porter right off the bat. Bah.

      • Anon.

        Her blog addresses this. Apparently it was because the Head Porter was a cunt, none of the porters wanted to apply and he picked an inexperienced woman while the fellows were all on holiday.

        • Anon.

          It is also implied he thought she was easy.

        • but…

          considering how much of her blog is bullshit this is probably also a fabrication

    • Queens’ student

      She was actually really lovely and got to know alot of the students.
      Pot kettle black?

      • Uh, no

        And then shat on them behind their backs? Yeah, really lovely.

  • inappropro popo

    she even insinuates that she has been getting high whilst on the job? this is just downright inappropriate, especially for an ex-police officer

    http://portergirl.wordpress.com/2014/02/06/the-head-porter-chronicles-episode-three/

    • That video

      is the worst thing I’ve ever seen

  • Patronising Big Man

    Insecure little lady <3

  • The witch is dead

    It would seem that she does have something of a conscience after all as the post has been taken down
    http://portergirl.wordpress.com/2013/12/16/an-univited-guest/

    Or maybe she’s just scared.

  • KuntawayL,M.D.

    Dis bird dont no what shes tolkein about. Ders three sizes of condums yeh? xxs xs s m l magnum. let me tell you a snug fit is a snug fit….nuf said, bobs ur uncle.

    Signing off
    Kuntaway, M.D

    #SapportKlinefelters