To round off an incredible term, ELINOR LIPMAN gives us the low-down on all the times she’s fucked up.

Readers are very fickle things.

This is something I learned last week when I got a chance to look at the hits for each of my articles and saw that they drastically differed. Trying to make sense of the mass variation I sought to find where the correlation lay, perhaps in the amount of times my mum shared it on Facebook? How sexually suggestive the title was? The quality of syntax and grammar? Or, particularly bold, maybe even the veracity and ingenuity of the intellectual ideas? You could be forgiven for thinking any one of these or a combination could be the answer to my question.

Alas, no. It both saddened and surprised me but the amount of views of each column is DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL to the amount that is written about me fucking up. I honestly thought that I had gone through the most embarrassing and stupid moments of my life before I got here. Frank’s appearance as Widow Twanky at my sister’s primary school was not something to be easily beaten. I was wrong.

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Oh hey Frank

So in honour of this I thought I would go over some of the most embarrassing moments for me pre and post cambridge to to prove my hit count theory as well as entertain you.

Bad ideas of ‘fun’ Pre-Cambridge

This would be the time I foolishly agreed to a Prank War with a mildly sociopathic expert in the field. He ended up getting 500 business cards printed for a fake prostitute agency with my mobile number on them. They were then distributed around the entirety of Edinburgh. The 3am calls from Scottish men asking me for my ‘services’ started off as bemusing, they weren’t so much when they didn’t stop for a full six months.

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Oh god, please stop calling me

Bad ideas of ‘fun’ in Cambridge

Despite having an essay to write for the next morning, I was so excited to have been invited to a kind of social event that I decided to go to ‘Funky Funhouse’. My vow to not drink ended up with me utterly intoxicated in the shower at one in the morning, trying to sober myself up before starting. Unfortunately shower time is also armpit shaving time *DISCLAIMER* and also not a clever thing to do when drunk. There I was, gentle reader, sassily pretending to be Queen B in her single ladies vid when I slipped and razored my boob. Being drunk all I felt was a nick but things got weird when the shower water turned red. They now call me Frankenstelinor (You’re welcome).

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Boys Pre-Cambridge

When on holiday with a boyfriend, he once spent seven hours in one day playing football manager. To put this into context, he was only awake for fourteen hours that day. At some point I naively asked him to stop and he told me that he would rather break up with me then never play football manager again. He wasn’t joking. I am single.

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Destroying relationships since 2013

Boys In Cambridge

To my joy and delight I was recognised the other week in Cindies. Unfortunately, I was then subjected to the disgusting practice of ‘Game’. For those unfamiliar with ‘Game’, ‘Game’ is for guys who are too lame to attempt valid female interaction on their own, so resort to misogynistic books to tell them how. A main feature of this is the ‘neg’ – A compliment that is actually an insult, designed to lower someone’s confidence so they sleep with you. He told me what I found out after googling is in fact a classic; that I had a ‘fat arse but don’t worry some guys like that’. To my shame I was so surprised that instead of coming up with a snappy comeback like, ‘Fuck off’ I just stood there and said thanks. I THANKED HIM FOR TELLING ME I HAD A BIG BUM.

Release of Bodily Fluids In Public Places Pre-Cambridge

I didn’t think it was possible for even me to create a situation vaguely resembling anything so behemothic as poogate (see last article) but I was wrong.

Release of Bodily Fluids In Public Places In Cambridge

Last week I managed to sneeze whilst I was speaking… I got snot all over my face. While this might not sound like such an embarrassing thing I wasn’t on my own. Nor was I surrounded by a loving and empathetic group of close friends. I was in fact on stage under mercilessly bright lights and mid sentence.

On that note I leave you with the tough consideration of which part of my life is more messed up. Hope everyone had a good week!!!!!!!

  • Story lover

    Some cool stories in here.

  • Yay

    Elinor you are great! Your writing is sharp and funny and I love it.