After feeling unsatisfied with a fleshlight last year, JOHN BENNETT returns to try anal sex.

My girlfriend has long been begging me for anal.

Pretty much every session we have she kneels down on the bed, I stand behind her and, just as I’m about to put it in, she says ‘up the bum please John!’ Flustered, I reply with ‘no, I’m not sure I feel comfortable with the idea of anal sex yet’. We carry on as normal but some of the atmosphere is lost.

Interestingly, when I told my mate this he said that it’s usually the other way round. To be honest that just sounds painful and I’m not sure my dick would reach that far anyway.

However, after my highly successful Fleshlight article had been published, I was keen to maintain some journalistic momentum, so I agreed to try anal. In fact, not only did I agree, but I dedicated myself to the cause. I studied anal. I listened to podcasts, read articles, watched some porn. I learnt how it was invented by the Greeks by accident or something. After just a few months I was ready, and all I needed was for my girlfriend to be free.

greek anal

They don’t look that happy

It was mid-lecture when I felt my phone vibrate. Instantly I tore it from my pocket and stared intensely at the blemished screen. There it was: the messaged I’d been waiting for.

Come over now if you fancy it x

Although disappointed that she hadn’t emphasised the word ‘come’, let alone spelt it with a u, I shivered with excitement. Unwilling to wait a moment longer, I fisted my notepad into my satchel, bumbled my way past some nearby students, and scrambled out of the lecture hall. It was cold outside. The wind roared like a poorly-maintained garage door closing slowly shut. But this garage had lions in it – so a sort of double-roar really.

After a short walk I reached her college – smiling at a porter as I scuttled through the plodge. In a weird way I felt like he knew what I was about to do, you know? Like he was thinking ‘that guy’s going to do anal. He’s going to do ANAL.’

I arrived at her room and clattered through the door. There she was, lying casually on the bed: her body stretched out like that Stretch Armstrong toy you used to get except not as weird and with space for my dick. She’d purchased an Anal Douche from a website (basically a balloon that cleans your arse) and proceeded to insert it. I looked away at that point.

Things began, and after a bit of kissing and touching I clambered onto the bed. She bent over, I stuck it in and, breathing heavily, began thrusting.

If I’m honest, it wasn’t for me.

It was just too tight. Everyone likes it tight, yeah, but there are limits. You’re just engulfed by this grippy dampness that squeezes you unforgivingly. It’s like some prick with an unnecessarily meaty handshake is wanking you off with too much lube and also his hands are actually like tiny little arseholes. It felt like I was bumming a bottle of J2O Apple and Mango if you know what I mean. Just really tight, particularly around the rim. After only a few minutes I was aching and had to stop.

Imagine fucking this

Imagine fucking this

What was it like for her? Apparently not that great either. She claims it was about 30% less pleasant than regular sex, and was aching for a good hour afterwards too. They should really sell some sort of soothing arse-balm with the douche thing, because it’s clearly an issue.

So there you go. If sex is like playing football in the world cup final and a Fleshlight like playing FIFA 14, then anal is like playing for some shit club like Accrington Stanley but getting a corner-post stuck up your arse at half time.

  • Patrick Bones

    and just when I thought that Tab had got shit. 10/10