And deserve to be shot
In the age of social media, we are constantly seeing new monsters spawned: be it a viral petition calling for a bigot to not get fired from his car show, or a grim hashtag encouraging you to cut 4 Zayn.
But today emerged a new breed of horror: a new platform for the most contemptuous, good-for-nothing fun sponges out there.
It’s ten in the morning on April 1st, 2015. Being a person of a cripplingly gullible nature (the struggle is real), I was scrolling my news feed when I was shocked and appalled to discover that King’s was about to build a new brutalist wing to their chapel.
I was all ready to start mobilizing the King’s rabble – maybe we could at last unite on something, build bridges and be friends! In hindsight, the King’s activists would probably be in favour of modernizing the college so it looked less phallic. But that’s beside the point. Shiny-eyed with the prospect my new campaign, I was just about to draw up my 15-point plan of attack and get Whose University on the phone when this happened.
Seriously? SERIOUSLY. Fuck you. I was about to comment some rant about the incongruousness of brutalism with late gothic architecture. You saved me that fate, but you also denied everyone else the mirth of April fool. In real life, IN THE REAL WORLD, you absolute fucking imbeciles, you wait until everyone falls for it – or 12noon – before screaming April Fool. In writing the date you have just flat out ruined everything. EVERYTHING.
Once more, spineless dunderheads on the internet have systematically destroyed something that’s supposed to bring good clean fun to the masses and alleviate the grim monotony of our daily lives.
These people are the dregs of society. They have so little self-worth that they actually feel clever for clocking the date on a flukey article. They are the “I think you’ll find” brigade; sappy, nasty little know-it-alls intent on destroying everything in this world that is good and pure and true. They are the kind of pedants who borrow 50p and go on about how they’ll ‘pay you back’, or who painstakingly tot up the bill and ask “who had the side salad?” instead of just splitting it.
And to these trolls – yes, they are trolls, the kind with blue hair and stupid expressions – I say: WOW MATE, you sussed it, now go and write your pathetic little comment with your pathetic little emoticon and hasten the apocalypse because really, I don’t want to live in a world governed by weedy spoilsports who shit all over everyone’s day with a fucking ill-considered facebook quip.
Until next year, then.