CHARLIE DOWELL hates your mistaken love of childhood.

One of the great things about being in Cambridge, is the number of free dinners you can get during your time there.

Last Friday I was lucky enough to enjoy a multicourse dinner, accompanied by a superb red: Clos Sainte Anne, Premieres Cotes de Bordeaux 2000.

The flavour was solid. It was a red wine rock that you could build a fantastic meat course upon.

Red wine, in fact all wines, really are adult pleasures enjoyed by a trained palate that has outgrown a childish desire for sweet and salty tastes. Leaving childhood behind and moving into a more reasoned and sophisticated existence, is one of the best things that has happened to you all.

No Children

One of many adult pleasures that knocks the socks off anything twatty children enjoy

Why then do so many of us try to recreate or hold on to aspects of our crappy formative years?

Let me say this, childhood is shit. Yes you may have had no real responsibilities and any work you had was really fucking easy, but it was in truth, a terrible time.

Firstly children are generally cruel little fuckers. Their underdeveloped emotions mean they hit each other, steal things, have tantrums and generally are selfish to the point of psychopathy. Why would you want to go back to a time where little Harold Shipmans are wandering around, fucking with your head and generally making you unhappy?

On the inside this boy is a cunt

On the inside this boy is a cunt

Secondly children’s things are simple and quite frankly really, terribly, bone gnawingly dull. This was made apparent to me when I had some misplaced nostalgia for the CBBC show Raven.

I youtubed the programme and was struck by how deeply, deeply boring and predictable the show was: kids swam in a lake, failed to solve simple puzzles and had petty arguments with each other, this was great fucking television.

Does it look as if I am enjoying childhood

Does it look as if I am enjoying childhood?

Mundane characters, predictable plot lines and unfunny jokes are par for the cause in children’s TV and film. Rewatch the Lion King or Finding Nemo and I’ll bet ten minutes in, you’d rather spend two hours flicking yourself in the cornea or staring at the pattern of grains on your wooden desk than carrying on to the end.

I don’t understand why so many of my friends enjoy children’s films and TV when there are so many fantastic, subtle and complex shows aimed at an adult audience.

Let the challenge begin. More like fuck off back to 2005.

Let the challenge begin. More like fuck off back to 2005.

A similar argument can be said for children’s food, games, books, songs, jokes and conversation. The simplicity of them is excruciating.

My idea of hell would be having to attend a children’s party where I am force fed party rings and cocktail sausages, whilst having my Pokémon cards stolen during a game of musical chairs, with the Little Mermaid being played on TV in the background alongside the soundtrack to Hercules, whilst a clown made balloon animals and my Mum and Dad patronised me by saying to other parents, “Well Charlie is very bright for his age, but he still wets the bed”.

These taste like honest, sweet dog's mess.

These taste like honest, sweet dog’s mess.

Why try to relive any aspect of this dystopia? Just because you lived through it a fairly long time ago, doesn’t mean it was any good.

Savour the joy of being young and an adult. When you are on your deathbed, I am sure these will be the years you wish you could go back to.

Get drunk, don’t drink fizzy pop. Have sex, don’t go to a theme park. Read a great novel, don’t watch cartoons.

The best ideas and art that humanity has constructed are generally subtle, sophisticated and were created by and for adults. Don’t go back on years of progression by thoughtlessly wishing you were a kid again.

Don’t put on that Disney VHS you have back home at Christmas. Go to the pub and get boozy with your mates over conversation and carols.

Anyway, another glass of red wine or a eyewateringly strong cup of coffee, will give you the adult kick you need to burst from your mistaken amniotic sac and never turn around to the gooey mess that is childhood.  

  • Jane Mac

    I’m nostalgic for a time when you weren’t writing these shit articles every week.

  • Raven

    let the challenge…. commence!

  • roguewader

    Whine of the week is by far the best thing in the tab.

  • Basem Qubaty

    You my friend must’ve had a very sad childhood. I truly feel sorry for you.

  • James Mackenzie

    Raven was and still is awesome, I don’t care what you say.

  • Anon

    Not all of us were autistic children like you.
    Also I’d rather go to a themepark than have sex, then again I’m not some sex deprived prick like you. And I also prefer watching films to drinking and singing carols.

  • Tom

    I was bullied at school by jewish and ethnic minority students so I have no nostalgia for my childhood

    • I’m actually being serious

      Initially I thought you were just another cunt when I started reading your comments. Now I’m convinced you’re a troll. Fair crack though – it was convincing.

  • Raven!

    Getting back from a tough, work-heavy day in Year 4 there was nothing better than to put your feet up to a good episode of Raven. That final eliminating challenge bit at the end of every one and those feather awards just made it for me.

  • Wait a minute

    Drinking fizzy pop, going to a theme park and watching cartoons sounds absolutely awesome.

  • Tom York

    You’re a right miserable cunt aren’t you :p

  • Carl

    People who have overconfidence in their views and opinions are annoying, but nowhere near as annoying as people such as you who have overconfidence in their tastes.

    If you think there’s something innately superior about the pastimes you happen to enjoy, that’s fine but please keep it to yourself.

  • Nevar

    The idea of childhood nostalgia is that people miss when they COULD enjoy these things, not that they miss the things themselves. Because it’s not like party rings have been phased out of existence

  • Charlie is clearly a twat.

    This is everything wrong with the world in one article. People who need to feel sophisticated and ‘adult-like’ all the time and refusing to return to the simple and fun. The lion King and Finding Nemo are amazing films enjoyed by adults and children alike. Obviously the puzzles in Raven have to be simple as they are aimed at CHILDREN. However, by your logic, I’m sure regular viewers of eggheads or shows like the chase probably think you are dense for not knowing the answers to some of the questions. Furthermore, I read novels, I like sex but I also watch cartoons and I also like theme-parks. It doesn’t make me any less intelligent, it makes me fun and diverse.

    Also, as a side note, almost everything you enjoy seems to involve alcohol. This proves two things: 1) you are really dull 2) you should probably seek help.

  • It’s sounds to me…

    Like you consider yourself to be a ‘far superior person’, which means you’re as dull as a nine o’clock lecture and are as unsophisticated as your average bar fly.

    If you really think you should live adult life ‘like a sophisticated person’, chances are you’re trying too hard and are just one of those sorts of people who believes they have to conform. Like a sheep.


  • Caspar Darjeeling

    Who goes to the pub to sing carols? Wetter