Politics + Cambridge = A winning combination
Identifying which person, place or thing has a tenuous link to your college seems to be everywhere. Politics and the election also seem to be everywhere. It therefore only makes sense to marry the two in majestic harmony.
Jesus- David Milliband- Just like JC he’s pretty big in the USA right now, he was betrayed by one of his main men, and we’re all awaiting his second coming.
Girton- Nathalie Bennet- These little green monsters are always on their bicycles setting a good example to the populace. They’re so far away they’ve almost acquired foreign accents and are prone to huge cases of FOMO as they sit on the fringes looking longingly towards the centre.
Magdalene- Boris Johnson- Like BOJO, Magdalene are known for their drinking society antics and alleged Poshness. But, like Magdalene love him or hate him BOJO is certainly having more fun than you.
Robinson- Nick Griffin- Where is Nick Griffin now? Where is Robinson? Who the fuck even cares?
Homerton- Lembit Opik- Their annoyingly rigid sign in system makes it rather difficult for Homertonians to go out at night, something you can’t help thinking should be applied to Lembit.
Murray Edwards- Nicola Sturgeon- Like any good Glaswegian, Medwards can throw a great piss up. The Queen in the North she has great influence and power but without Westminster or Johns propping her up financially, she would crumble.
Caius- Ed Miliband- Terrible with food, but with those come to bed eyes he certainly has the caius to your heart even if he doesn’t yet have the ‘Caius’ (Geddit?!) to power.
Catz- Paul Golding- Covered in fleas, shits in your garden and with the largest online following of any political party, it can only be Britain First’s Paul Golding.
Kings- Nigel Farage- These two hog the limelight and try oh so hard to be down with the people and in touch with the ordinary man. The briefest glance at his flat cap/ barbour combo or King’s chapel is enough to tell you that they are as establishment as they come.
Trinity- David Cameron- Only slightly to the right of Ed, Trinity owns half the country, your college and probably your house. Has a large fleet of braying, hear-hearing punts.
Tit Hall- Nick Clegg- Being small, fairly central and rather difficult to hate made Nick and the Lib Dems seem rather attractive. A few broken promises and video parodies later and I think we can all say that Dave’s appendage looks like a bit of a Hall.
John’s- George Osborne- Everyone hates Osborne, everyone hates Johns, but they couldn’t care less because like Trinity they’re minted and they’ll have the last laugh as they spunk their parents’ untaxed money on lobster in the buttery.
Sidney Sussex- Kim Rose- Being so close to sainsburys means that Kim can buy as many sausage rolls as he pleases. Key to any election strategy because sausage rolls = votes.
Churchill- Alex Salmond- With the visual appeal of a haggis, he reined high and mighty in the highlands until he caught a glance of Nicola, thought ‘Oh Yes!’, and named her his successor.
Fitz- Peter Viggers’ duck house- Though it spelled the end of his political career, many a Fitz students’s career has begun by swimming to the duck house via the perilous pool.
Christ’s- Alexander Douglas- Sober, sensible and intelligent, spawning some of Britain’s greatest minds including Darwin and John Milton. But can Douglas convince the nation that his party can restore a paradise lost?
Pembroke- Ed Balls- Big name and not a stranger to the odd drinking society scandal (Nazi uniforms and fake tits in Ed’s case). If the shadow treasurer is elected without first brushing up on his mental arithmetic then the country could well end up completely (pem)broke.
Peterhouse- John Bercow- tiny, distinguished, and historically exceedingly right wing, its longevity has given it the resilience and tenacity of an old goat. As speaker/Cambridge’s oldest college you command a certain level of respect and admiration, essential if you’re going to survive ‘grubby’ plots cooked up in the heart of government.
Newnham- Leanne Wood- The Queen in the west she’s intent on keeping those naughty immigrant bashing, HIV patient hating, Westminster lads in check. With a cheeky air five to her less attractive sister in the North she’s been fighting the power, challenging populism and sticking it to the man since 1871.
Downing- Tony Blair- Looks like the white house which was where Bush’s lap dog was probably happiest (and one of the only places in the world he doesn’t risk being arrested or shot at). Also out of all the colleges Downing deserves to be the bogeyman of British politics. Why? For pooling me, you bastards. This is my final victory!
Selwyn- Jacob Rees Mogg- Academic, nerdy and well situated Selwyn could also be mistaken for being conceived 500 years ago, as could Rees Mogg.
Corpus Christi- Mark Reckless- Both Corpus and Mark fail to live up to their rather epic names. If it wasn’t for his timely defection we would never have heard of Mr Reckless and without their fancy time piece we wouldn’t have given corpus a second glance either.
St Eddies- Gordon Brown- Quite the rugby player in his heyday and has successfully managed to put a fair bit of distance between himself and Blair over at Downing. A quick look at the Tomkins table and the previous government’s record does however make you wish that they could sort the brain: brawn ratio.
Emma- Adam Afriyie- Smart, wealthy, suave and enviably close to spoons, a little part of everyone is jealous of Emma.
Queens’- Andrew Mitchell- This Queen is apparently prone to huge temper tantrums and has his own bridge so he can cross the cam without mingling with the plebs.
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