Whose University? Not the pigeon’s.

King’s College has found itself beseiged by an errant monster of the sky.

In an email to the college, the Senior Tutor’s Assistant, Janet Luff, informed the student body that a live pigeon had been found in A staircase. After being forcibly removed, it has returned with a vengance.

Lock up your foodstuffs

Lock up your foodstuffs

Luff’s email suggests that this could be part of a bigger conspiracy: the reason for the pigeon’s return may be that a member of the college has been feeding it.

However, not all students are such big fans of the devil-may-care pigeon. Today, harrowing accounts of life with the winged sky beast have reached the outside world.

Chloe Hemingway, a 2nd year NatSci at King’s, told The Tab: “I was walking to the bathroom late last night and it flew at me. This vicious vile creature is taking over the entire corridor. We may have to start arming ourselves if it is not dealt with soon.

“I first started hearing the cooing noises a few nights ago. I thought it might be the ghosts, you know. But then we noticed the droppings, and ghosts, they just don’t shit all over the place.”

An artist's impression.

An artist’s impression.

Oliver Sluijters, a second year medic who has also been forced to cohabit with the airbourne rat, reached out to us in his time of need: “I’m terrified. I haven’t slept for days and my work is suffering. My supervisors won’t believe me, but hopefully this will finally open their eyes.

“Don’t let them take him from me! He is my only friend. He’s there for me at night, when the prospect of week 5 gives me the most spine-chilling of nightmares. I lay awake at night, pondering life’s greatest mysteries and he listens to me. He knows what I need to hear. Coo-Coo.”

The jury is out, and controversy on a scale rarely seen ranges throughout King’s.

Is the feathery squatter an unwelcome conference guest, blighting the lives of students? Or is it an unfairly maligned victim, whose right to a safe space needs protecting?

Let us know your thoughts below.

  • This

    is fucking brilliant

  • twit tWU

    Why do King’s just assume he has a ‘home’ elsewhere – THAT’S NOT A PRIVILEGE HE NECESSARILY HAS ACCESS TO. Not all pigeons have mummy and daddy pigeons that can come and pick them up at a moment’s coo. #notallpigeons #coo #COOSU